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Old 03-17-2018, 09:32 PM View Post #1 (Link) Whistling
TTuzyu (Offline)
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Join Date: Jan 2018
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Hi! This is my first time posting and the first piece of writing I've put together since probably elementary school. I'm really interesting in getting into producing horror, psychological, or thriller pieces. I want to make people shiver and give them a little fright. With that in mind I would love some great feedback on how to achieve that better in my writing. Thanks to everyone that takes the time to read all this


“AMBER ALERT. 16 year old girl. Brown hair, green eyes, approximately 5’4. Abductor reported by witnesses to be a heavy built male wearing a blue plaid shirt. Last seen in a red Chevy around the Hartford area. Please contact Criminal Hotline with any information.”

Swiping away the message, I let out a sigh.

My parents were worried enough as it was. They had seen a news report about the spike in human trafficking around the area a few days and ended up keeping me on the phone all night nagging. It was completely understandable though. As much as I’d like to complain, I was their only child. They were stressed out enough when they found out their only daughter wanted to live on her own for college.

“Well… there’s not much I can do about it now is there?” I mumbled.

Checking my phone it was 1:30 AM. The bus was late. The only other person waiting with me was a girl I’d seen walking out of the library earlier. I was tempted to ask her if she knew if the bus was usually late around this time but she was pretty distant, with her headphones in and eyes glued to the screen. She seemed occupied.

A soft breeze passed and I shivered.

I shoved my hands in my jacket pockets and glanced down the street, awaiting the bright white lights that would take me back to my dorm.

Alas, there was nothing but a man crossing the street. He looked like your average college kid sporting a laptop bag and big headphones dangling from his neck. He was whistling a familiar tune, probably something from whatever was popular on the radio these days. I tried to get a peek at his face but his hoodie was in the way. You can never be too careful these days, so I pulled out my phone just in case and eyed him until he walked out of sight.

Checking the glowing screen again, it mockingly flashed 1:33 AM. Time seems to go especially slow when all you want it to do is go by faster. Glancing at the other girl she was just as into her phone as last time. I started to get irritated, tapping my foot and shifting my gaze to anything that could make the time pass until the bus came. Running my hands through my hair I noticed a small cat had come around the corner. It sauntered around to where I was and looked up at me. I knelt down and rubbed its head. It was obviously a street cat by the looks of it: rough and unkept. It started wriggling out of my grasp and I reached out after it.

“Wait kitty, come back!”

It trotted on down past the other girl and into the night. Another breeze blew past and I folded my arms over my chest to avoid the cold. The wind seemed to whistle in my ear.

It died down… but I could still hear the whistling.

Getting up I rubbed my ears. I was used to hearing ringing but not anything that sounded like whistling. On top of that the whistling sounded familiar…

“Hey”

The girl that had been watching her phone called out to me. She had taken out one earbud and was looking at me curiously.

“Yes?” I replied.

She seemed to look past me before asking “Do you know that guy? He’s been standing behind you for a while now”

The hairs on the back of my neck stood up. Cold sweat was forming on my palms. The whistling was still going on, a pleasant tune drifting in the air. I took in a deep breath and turned to face the unknown man.

He was the same man from earlier who had been walking down the street. Although closer, his face was still significantly covered and I couldn’t make out any features. Assessing the situation, I felt my throat go dry and my heart seemed about to beat out of my chest. I thought of what words I could put together to confront him when he suddenly put a hand on my shoulder.

I screamed. Rather, I shrieked.

I heard a bookback fall behind me and light steps. The man put his hand over my mouth and pulled me closer.

“What the hell are you doing? You’re gonna freak her out,” he whispered into my ear.

Wait.

The voice was familiar.

I stopped screaming and yanked off the man’s hoodie.

“What the fuck Justin!” I exclaimed.

It was just my friend, Justin. I saw him on my way out this morning and let him know I was going to be back late.

I heard a sigh behind me and the shuffling of a bag. The girl back there must have been about to freak out and call the police or run away. Justin pulled away and gave me a stern look.

“Did you forget? I told you I would walk you home. What’re you doing scaring yourself now?”
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Old 03-17-2018, 09:50 PM View Post #2 (Link)
bluehooves (Offline)
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I personally think this is great being your first time! I would like to know a bit more about the Amber Alerts however, since she mentions it a bit, and seems a bit freaked out about them. I’m not sure if you’re countinuing this or not, but if it has anything to do with the Amber Alerts, I’d like to know a bit more! Besides that little opinion, I think you’re doing very well so far!
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Old 04-14-2018, 10:46 AM View Post #3 (Link) My Critique
Rebekah (Offline)
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Hi TTuzyu,

I loved reading your short story it definitely built up tension and slight fright. I’ve got a few suggestions of how you could make it even better.

First, I liked the way how the man had appeared before and how the character thought he had left and to the reader it seemed as if he had left as well. Also, I liked how you set the typical bus stop scence: the bus is late and there is someone else there who isn’t talking to you. Another thing I liked was the whistling because when the character heard the whistling again the reader could piece together what was happening.

Now some suggestions. Personally, I think it was solved a little bit quickly. I like the idea of it just being her friend however, I think it could be built up a bit more. Another thing is that the girl who said that Justin was stood behind her, it sort of suggests she was fine with it. Maybe add in how she said what she said to show the character and the reader how she felt about the situation.

I hope this has been useful and I am looking forward to reading more of your stories
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Rebekah

Have A Great Day!
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