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Old 04-11-2017, 06:43 PM View Post #1 (Link) The Butterfly Parade
Rebekah (Offline)
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This is the first chapter of The Butterfly Parade. I would love to hear your opinions and improvements.
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Chapter 1

It was happening again. That same tingle of excitement, that same astonishing view across the meadows and that same remembrance of mum. It could only be, The Butterfly Parade.

My name is Molly, I'm 11 years old and I go to Higton High school. Now, I live with my 14 year old brother (Jake) and my dad (Chris). However three years ago, it was different as we lived with my mum as well.

When my life was normal, my mum and I used to watch the butterflies flutter off in different directions every Summer month. We started calling it the butterfly parade.(I can't quite remember why, but that's how we have always referred to it). It was the only thing that could calm me down after school and her after work, so it was our special moment. But now it’s an even more cherished time as I said, there is no mum anymore. I’ll tell you the story.
Three years ago I got stressed and worried over small things. (I still do sometimes). Mum was the only person I felt safe talking to. No one else understood. She had struggled at high school just like me, so she knew what I felt like. At times, I would shout out my family, when really it was anger from school. I got bullied; I told no one. I struggled with work; I told no one. Not even mum could help me at times. Some evenings, I was too angry or upset, so I shut myself in my bedroom and cried or shouted. She would always try and help, and even if I threw something at her, or screamed in her face, she would continue to try to get to the bottom of my actions. That’s why I loved her more than anyone else, no one could even compare to her. So, every Friday in the Summer term, we would walk to local meadows and watch the butterflies in silence. I would stare in awe at the pretty patterns on their wings, or the formations they flew in. It really was our happy place. Nothing could stop us going there, nobody, no emotion, no meetings, no clubs, no weather, nothing. I loved her and she loved me and at those moments, that was the only thing that mattered.
  
						Last edited by Rebekah; 04-14-2017 at 08:44 AM.
					
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Old 04-13-2017, 05:06 PM View Post #2 (Link) The Butterfly Parade
Auereo (Offline)
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As you've said it's the first chapter in the introduction, you don't really need to say "Chapter 1" later on. (Also, if the number is zero to nine, you write it out in words) The title of the story should be capitalized at the start of every word. The words that normally don't get capitalized are the ones like "a", "the", or "this". If there are some you are unsure about, you should probably capitalize it.

In the first paragraph, you don't need the colon after "it could only be". Again, "the butterfly parade" should be capitalized because it is a proper noun. Since this is the opening paragraph, you need more detail. When, where, and why was it happening?

In the second paragraph, I feel like you need to elaborate again. Give the reader a story, a real story, not just examples. Why did you start calling it "the butterfly parade"? (Don't forget to capitalize that one, too) The "just me, no mum. No mum, just me." sounds a bit redundant to me, and I feel like you should take away the "No mum, just me." as that is a shorter sentence and is mostly what makes it sound redundant unless you meant for it to sound poetic. The colon at the end of this paragraph can be replaced with a period, and you don't need to skip a line, just move to the next one. (I hope that made sense, if it didn't, here's an example)

Instead of this:

Bobby went to the supermarket and it was cold.

When he came out it was warm again.

Do this:

Bobby went to the supermarket and it was cold.
When he came out it was warm again.

I'm telling you to do this because earlier, this is how you had it formatted, and it looks messy since you changed the way you formatted.

Also, since this is the first chapter, I think you should give a more solid idea of what the main character is now rather than three years ago. Either that, or change this into a prologue.

Ok, that's where I think you need to improve. Here's what I think you did really well. I got intrigued by the plot of the story so that probably means there's a fairly good plot. The character has seemed to change over time, which is natural in real life. I'm glad you incorporated that.

(This is just my first reading through of the story, so expect a bit more criticism after I look through it a bit more)

So, here's a list of what I think you should do (Most important to least):

1. Add a story at the start before "It was happening again." that leads up to it so the reader has a bit more to go off of. Make the story anywhere from three to nine paragraphs, because right now, this is a rather short story.

2. Add a story somewhere inside of the third paragraph, make it about 3-5 lines, though, as it's just a bit of an example from a long time ago.

3. Fix the structure. The story needs to look nice to be a good story.

4. Elaborate more. Who? What? Where? When? Why?

5. Make "the butterfly parade" capitalized.

6. Take away a bit of what makes part of the story redundant.

7. Just look over it in general, make sure the grammar is correct, and so is the punctuation.
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Old 04-14-2017, 08:46 AM View Post #3 (Link) This post is a reply - don't critique it
Rebekah (Offline)
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Thank you so much Auereo. I have edited my work and would love to hear what you think of the new version.
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Old 04-18-2017, 11:05 PM View Post #4 (Link) "The Butterfly Parade"
ac_writer (Offline)
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I really like what you have written for chapter one, especially the general plot of the whole story and the relationship between the main character and her mom. However, I feel like that you should describe the sights, sounds, etc. of what the main character remembers when she goes to see the butterfly parade with her mom. Something like, "While we watched the butterfly parade, with it's rainbow of colors, pass by. A gentle breeze would blow, cooling our faces from the summer heat." Or maybe like, "We sat in the shade of a tree, watching the butterfly parade dance among the wildflowers as they were carried by the wind to their next destination." I also think you should elaborate on why the main character gets bullied. Is is because she is only 11 years old and is in high school, causing people to believe that she is stuck up person who thinks she is a genius compared to everyone else? Maybe she looks different? Maybe she just seems to stand out to other people?
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Old 04-20-2017, 10:21 AM View Post #5 (Link)
Charlotte S (Offline)
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Crit ticket

So I heard this phrase a little while ago. Basically I have no time to critique this right now cos I have GCSEs and stuff going on. But this means that this is something I mean to critique in the future. Maybe Saturday if I don't have too much work to do. Can't promise though. But I will critique this sometime. Promise.
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