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Old 12-29-2017, 07:38 AM View Post #1 (Link) Our week of Freedom- Chapter 1
Rebekah (Offline)
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So this is the first chapter of my story and I definitely want it critiquing. It's meant to be quite informal and written in a maybe funny and informal way. It's also written from the perspective of a teenage girl.
If you have seen the thread in artwork called 'For my book', this is the story I want illustrations for.
Thanks, and I hope you like chapter 1 of 'Our week of Freedom'.
-----------------------------------------------------

Picture the scene

So, picture the scene. I’m Alex (Alexandra, but I can’t stand being called that), and I have an unidentical twin sister called Megan. I am older by 2 minutes and I never stop reminding Megan of that (which she hates). Even though we wind each other up, we get on pretty well. Usually. Anyway, we both took are GSCE’s last term and now it’s the summer holidays. We got are results last week and... we both smashed it! So now, all that we want to do is party, hang out with our mates and generally chill. However there is one problem: mum. She is soooo strict and just wants us to revise for year 12! Dad, on the other hand, doesn’t want that, he wants us to be able to forget school for a couple of weeks and just relax, but if you disagree with our mum, you’re toast and I know that only too well. Now, it’s their 20th wedding anniversary in a couple of days and to celebrate they are going to Venice for a whole week! Leaving us two home alone for a whole week! I’m soooooooo happy right now. Meg and I know exactly what we are going to do when they’re away. PARTY! (But please don’t tell mum).
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						Last edited by Rebekah; 01-01-2018 at 10:31 AM.
					
					 Reason: To improve it
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Old 12-31-2017, 05:43 PM View Post #2 (Link)
Keladry (Offline)
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Hello, Rebekah! It's been a while since I've critiqued but your post caught my eye. It sounds like a journal entry, I like that.

Picture the scene
This feels like a placeholder title. It doesn't have its own meaning, really, and telling the readers to picture the scene is a bit redundant. If they're reading it, they're probably already picturing it.

So, picture the scene. Actually, for a first sentence, I'm okay with 'picture the scene'. It still doesn't have its own meaning, but it does create voice, and it's your voice that I love about this. I’m Alex (Alexandra, but I can’t stand being called that), and I have an unidentical Interesting vocabulary here. The word for twins who aren't identical is fraternal, but using 'unidentical' makes it sound like the twins are identical, but Alex wants to make clear she is not like her sister. twin sister called Megan. I am older by 2 minutes and I never stop reminding Megan of that (which she hates). Even though we wind each other up, we get on pretty well. Usually. Anyway, we both took are GSCE’s last term and now it’s the summer holidays. We got are results last week and............. You only need 3 dots (...) or it starts looking unprofessional. It's clear that you want your voice to be informal, but the informality should come across in your word choice and writing, not in the spelling, mechanics and punctuation and all that. we both smashed it! So now, all that we want to do is party, hang out with our mates and generally chill. However there is one problem: mum. She is soooo strict and just wants us to revise for year 12! Dad, on the other hand, doesn’t want that, he wants us to be able to forget school for a couple of weeks and just relax, but if you disagree with our mum, you’re literally dead 'literally' dead? That changes the meaning of your story so much! Will she physically kill Alex's dad for disagreeing? Obviously 'literally' is used for emphasis in dialogue, and doesn't truly mean what it used to, but it's still a word you want to be very careful with. and I know that only too well. Now, it’s their 20th wedding anniversary in a couple of days and to celebrate they are going to Venice for a whole week! Leaving us two home alone for a whole week! I’m soooooooo happy right now. Meg and I know exactly what we are going to do when they’re away. PARTY! (But please don’t tell mum).

I really love the voice here. Your writing also flows quite naturally, and you vary your sentences well-- some of them are short and some of them are long.

Some questions I'm left with:
What exactly does Alex mean by 'party'? Is that a full-blown house party with drinking and all that? What kind of party is she picturing? I can tell you're not in America-- GCSEs aren't a thing here, but I'm American and I'm not entirely sure how old these guys are.

Does the mom know, or at least suspect, what Megan and Alex will get up to while she's away? Surely the dad knows, if he's encouraging them to relax and take a break.

The last comment I have-- you say 'picture the scene' but there's actually no imagery in the paragraph. What does Alex look like? What does her mom sound like when she's being bossy? Can we have some examples of Alex and Megan arguing?

Overall, nice start!

Also also-- a note on getting people to do artwork for you. That's called commissioning, and custom artwork of characters can actually be really valuable and expensive. I have some friends who charge $20 or more for a custom headshot. Of course, it doesn't always cost that much, especially if you want just a quick sketch by anybody who's able. Since YWO's focus is on writing, I don't know what kind of luck you'll get here, but you should totally do some google searches and see what you can find. I know deviantart has a lot of people who do commissions, and there are a lot of general forums (like here) that you might also be able to get people to do art for you. Keep researching!
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Definitely let me know if you'd like a critique--- I'd love to.
  
						Last edited by Keladry; 12-31-2017 at 05:51 PM.
					
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Old 01-01-2018, 10:48 AM View Post #3 (Link) This post is a reply - don't critique it
Rebekah (Offline)
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Hi Keladry,

Thank you so much for your critique.
You raised a good point, I completely forgot not everyone was English! Oops! In England, you take your GSCE's at the end of year 11, so Alex and Meg are 16.
I like that you have left questions you should find out if you read the rest of the chapters. I could probably post chapter 2 today.
I'll definitely research some artwork, thanks for giving me some more information.
-----------------------------
A note to everyone else reading Chapter one, I have now edited it slightly.

Finally if you want to read more of Our week of Freedom, check out Novels (realistic) and hopefully I would of posted some more chapters by then.
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Old 04-02-2018, 05:29 PM View Post #4 (Link)
Ava (Offline)
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Hi !
I'm new here so I don't quite know how everything works but I think it was a great start
I'm really curious about the rest of your story!
I'm not english but your story was easy to understand so it was nice to read
Thanks a lot, can't wait to read the rest
Ava
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