Forum
Community Forum
Today's Posts
FAQ & Rules
Members List

Writing
Writing Forum
Recent Posts
Critique Guidelines

Groups
YWO Social Groups
Facebook
Myspace

Chat
 
YWA

Register

Store
Support YWO
YWO Merchandise
The Book Despository
Amazon.com (US)
Amazon.co.uk (UK)
Amazon.ca (Canada)

SBS Mag


View Poll Results: Is it Good???
Yes 1 100.00%
No 0 0%
Voters: 1. You may not vote on this poll

Reply
 
Thread Tools
Old 04-28-2018, 03:23 AM View Post #1 (Link) Can someone critique this?
HeyItzSadie (Offline)
Literary Newbie
 
Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: Somewhere
Posts: 2
Times Thanked: 0
I made this short thing and I would like if someone critique it. It would be very helpful. Thank you!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
She could hear his deep voice echoing around the room. She hid behind a pillar, careful not to be seen. He was talking. But to whom? She couldn't see anyone else but he was clearly talking to someone. She peeked out a little bit more and knocked down a pot that was sitting on a table. The pot crashed to the floor causing a loud bang. The man turned around to investigate. "Hello? Is anyone there?" He began to shout "Excuse me, sir. I'm going to go see who is interrupting our conversation. The man edged closer to the girl and found her bundled up in a ball. "Oh, don't worry little girl. I'm not going to hurt you..yet. Watch out for me."

Wren awoke, her heart pounding and sweaty, to find that she was in her bed at home. She let out a sigh of relief. Wern didn't know who that man was or where she was. She pulled the covers off her and headed towards the bathroom. She turned on the tap and splashed her face. She stared at herself in the mirror. Her long hazel hair was pulled into a bun. Her face was covered with scars from basically living outside. Wren spent most of her time outside, in the wilderness. Wouldn't it be nice to live outside. All the ti- A loud crash caught her off guard and she looked around, fearful. She locked the bathroom door, fearing the worst, and climbed into the bathtub. The door handle began to wiggle and Wren screamed. Someone began to push their bodies against the door. After about a minute it seemed they had given up and Wren started to relax.

No sooner than she began to relax the door pushed open revealing the same man from her dream. She screamed so loud her lungs seemed to burst. "You should worry now. I'm going to hurt you..now." He said in a deep voice and slowly walked towards her. She screamed again and began to hit him giving up every single bit of strength in her. Nothing seemed to affect him. He pushed her down and snapped his fingers and everything went black
  Reply With Quote
Reply
Thread Tools

 


All times are GMT. The time now is 03:20 PM.
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7 - Copyright ©2000 - 2018, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
All writing Copyright © its author(s). All other material Copyright © 2007-2012 Young Writers Online unless otherwise specified.
Managed by Andrew Kukwa (Andy) and Shaun Duke (Shaun) from The World in the Satin Bag. Design by HTWoRKS.