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Old 09-13-2015, 06:18 PM View Post #1 (Link) Unlocked - Chapter one
Ali Bali (Offline)
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Hey, so this is the first chapter of Unlocked. All critiques wanted and welcome.


A single light bulb flickered in the middle of the room - the only light source. Thankfully it had been left on, forgotten. But still it was weak and cast a dusky glow around the room, causing the shadows to be elongated. I was standing in a dark corner of the room hidden from the sole camera.
After receiving Mikeys letter two nights ago exposing his situation, but only parshily leaving out the most important part what it was he actually did, something had to be done. He was in trouble, big trouble with the police and they had hard evidence to prove that he was guilty. I didn't know exactly what it was I was looking for but when I found the box with Mikey name on it I would take out whatever was inside away with me and dispose of it.
Creeping along the aisles pausing at number 36 I started to rummage in almost complete silence as I searched for the letter P to correspond with Mikeys surname. Double checking I was still in a blind spot I moved further along and....
And suddenly I couldn't move!. I floundered around helplessly having no idea what was happening. The sound of someone come up behind me made the panic, already rising up inside of me more intense and I still. Couldn't . Move.
The persons arms were on me. One round my waist tight pinning my arms down and the other over my mouth. Just by their grasp I could tell my capturer was male.
"Not what I was expecting but".
I could move again. I was kicking and screamimg . My capturers hand clamped down over harder over my mouth so all that was audible was a faint whinning sound. As for my legs ropes seemed to appear from nothing and wrap around them.
"Nice work Dyce, Brendan but hurry the cameras won't stay frozen forever". Wait there was more than one? " I think it might be safer if we make her pass out". There was a grunt in response.
Realising what they were saying made be struggle even note violently than before. But before I too manage my escape I felt a light prick on my left thigh and the world seemed to melt into darkness.


Thanks for reading guys
Please critique.
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Old 09-13-2015, 09:16 PM View Post #2 (Link)
FC Victor (Offline)
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Interesting story. I see you have trouble with some spelling and grammar, but that can be fixed.

A single light bulb flickered in the middle of the room - the only light source.
I'm not one to use dashes, but if a dash is used you don't put spaces, like so: A single light bulb flickered in the middle of the room-the only light source.
Thankfully it had been left on, forgotten. But still, it was weak and cast a dusky glow around the room, causing the shadows to be elongated. I was standing in a dark corner of the room, hidden from the sole camera.
Nice setting description.
After receiving Mikey's letter two nights ago exposing his situation, but only partially leaving out the most important part what it was he actually did, something had to be done.
This sentence is a little long. A reader could easily get lost in it. I'd suggest to make it into a few sentences instead or reword it a bit.
He was in trouble, big trouble with the police and they had hard evidence to prove that he was guilty. I didn't know exactly what it was I was looking for, but when I found the box with Mikey's name on it, I would take out
In this case I think the "out" is unnecessary.
whatever was inside away with me and dispose of it.
Creeping along the aisles pausing at number 36 I started to rummage in almost complete silence as I searched for the letter P to correspond with Mikey's surname. Double checking I was still in a blind spot, I moved further along and....
And suddenly I couldn't move!.
I don't really like the "and.. And suddenly I couldn't move!" Instead, I'd suggest describing how and why they can't move, not just stating that they can't. Show the panic they might feel, or describe the feeling of having their feet stuck to the floor, whatever it may be. Showing instead of telling is usually something hard to get used to, I find it hard myself.
I floundered around helplessly having no idea what was happening.
I like the way you used the word floundered, this is showing their panic very well.
The sound of someone come up behind me If you want to keep the "come," it'd be coming instead, but I think a different verb could be more descriptive in this case, like using "approaching from behind." made the panic, I'm not sure if you need the comma here. already rising up inside of me more intense and I still. Couldn't . Move.
I'd suggest writing something like "more intense. I. Still. Couldn't. Move.
The person's arms were on me. One round my waist tight pinning my arms down and the other over my mouth.
This last sentence here could probably be worded better with something like, "One tight around my waist pinned down my arms, and the other hand was held over my mouth.
Just by their grasp I could tell my capturer was male.
Besides the wording, I like the way you described this. It helps the reader visualize it nicely.
"Not what I was expecting but".
With quotations the punctuation goes inside the end quote.
I could move again. I was kicking and screamimg. My capturer's hand clamped down over This "over" is unnecessary. harder over my mouth so all that was audible was a faint whinning sound. As for my legs ropes seemed to appear from nothing and wrapped around them.
Screaming instead of screamimg and whining instead of whinning.
"Nice work Dyce, Brendan but hurry the cameras won't stay frozen forever". Wait there was more than one? " I think it might be safer if we make her pass out". There was a grunt in response.
Hmm, this dialogue is really confusing. If it goes from the spoken words of one character to the thoughts of the main character, I believe it'd be a new paragraph.
Realising what they were saying made be struggle even note More? violently than before. But before I too Is the "too" meant to be a different word? manage my escape I felt a light prick on my left thigh and the world seemed to melt into darkness.
The ending sentence is a good stopping point. I can see that you aren't very used to possession and dialogue, but those should be an easy fix. Putting the spelling and grammar aside, the story is written pretty well. I think that getting the thoughts down on paper (or computer, in this case) is more important that the grammar. That's what revisions are for!
Keep up the good work!


~FC Victor
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Old 10-08-2015, 02:34 AM View Post #3 (Link)
Mister Suede (Offline)
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This is a good start to an interesting story. Like FC Victor said and demonstrated, grammar, proper possessive / non-possessive noun usage, and the occasional spelling errors are all that I see wrong with it. That, and it seems a bit short for the entirety of a chapter. I'd suggest elaborating more on the narrator and their past - Explain who they are? Who's Mikey?

The one thing I would like to point out is that while you need some work with dialogue, you're pretty damn good at description. Keep that up, flesh out the situation a bit. Establish more of the atmosphere that kept me reading.

All in all, this is a good start to a very interesting story. Put some more work into it and I'm sure it'll turn out great!



Keep up the good work,

Mister Suede
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Old 10-18-2015, 05:44 PM View Post #4 (Link)
christos200 (Offline)
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Originally Posted by Ali Bali View Post
Hey, so this is the first chapter of Unlocked. All critiques wanted and welcome.


A single light bulb flickered in the middle of the room - the only light source. Thankfully it had been left on, forgotten. But still it was weak and cast a dusky glow around the room, causing the shadows to be elongated. I was standing in a dark corner of the room hidden from the sole camera.
After receiving Mikeys Should be Mikey's letter two nights ago exposing his situation, but only parshily Don't know what "parshily" is. Maybe FC Victor is right suggesting that it should be partially. leaving out the most important part what it was he actually did, something had to be done. He was in trouble, big trouble with the police and they had hard evidence to prove that he was guilty. I didn't know exactly what it was I was looking for but when I found the box with Mikey's name on it I would take out whatever was inside away with me and dispose of it.
Creeping along the aisles pausing at number 36 I started to rummage in almost complete silence as I searched for the letter P to correspond with Mikey's surname. Double checking I was still in a blind spot I moved further along and.... This sentence seems fragmented .
And suddenly I couldn't move!. Should use either ! or . , not both I floundered around helplessly having no idea what was happening. The sound of someone come up behind me made the panic, already rising up inside of me more intense and I still. Couldn't . Move.
The persons arms were on me. One round my waist tight pinning my arms down and the other over my mouth. Just by their grasp I could tell my capturer was male.
"Not what I was expecting but".
I could move again. I was kicking and screamimg Should be screaming . My capturers hand clamped down over harder over my mouth so all that was audible was a faint whinning Should be whining sound. As for my legs ropes seemed to appear from nothing and wrap around them.
"Nice work Dyce, Brendan but hurry the cameras won't stay frozen forever". Wait there was more than one? " I think it might be safer if we make her pass out". There was a grunt in response.
Realising what they were saying made be struggle even note ? violently than before. But before I too manage my escape I felt a light prick on my left thigh and the world seemed to melt into darkness.


Thanks for reading guys
Please critique.
Firstly, it would be good to have space between paragraphs. It makes it more good looking and people like good looking text rather than a wall of text.

Secondly, you could use a grammar checker program to notice more easily grammar mistakes. It will save you from a lot of the grammar mistakes and you will spend less time checking for mistakes. Nevertheless, even with grammar checker, you should read again at least twice your text for any mistakes you many not notice. For example, I checked twice this critique before posting it.

The plot and the main idea were quite good and interesting but you need a bit more practice in order to write down your ideas in an interesting for the reader way. Do not worry, no one is perfect at the start and only with writing and making mistakes will you become a better writer. So do not give up but instead try your best to become an even better writer.
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Old 10-28-2015, 11:03 PM View Post #5 (Link)
pendell (Offline)
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Originally Posted by Ali Bali View Post
A single light bulb flickered in the middle of the room - the only light source. Thankfully it had been left on, forgotten. But still, it was weak, and cast a dusky glow around the room, causing the shadows to be elongated (This sounds odd and foreign. I would recommend different word usage, like "which elongated the shadows"). I was standing in a dark corner of the room hidden from the sole camera.
After receiving Mikey's letter two nights ago exposing his situation, but only parshily (partially) leaving out the most important part what it was he actually did, something had to be done. (This sentence is unnecessarily complicated. I had to read it three times to understand it. Consider rewording.) He was in trouble, big trouble (This would work better if "big" was italicized) with the police and they had hard evidence to prove that he was guilty. I didn't know exactly what it was I was looking for, but when I found the box with Mikey's name on it, I would take out whatever was inside away with me and dispose of it. (This sentence makes no sense. I'm not sure what you're trying to say, but I would consider revising.)
Creeping along the aisles, pausing at number 36, I started to rummage in almost complete silence as I searched for the letter P to correspond with Mikey's surname. Double checking, I was still in a blind spot, so I moved further along and....
And suddenly I couldn't move!. I floundered around helplessly having no idea what was happening. The sound of someone come (coming) up behind me made the (me) panic, it wasalready rising up inside of me, becoming more intense and I still. Couldn't . Move.
The person's arms were on me. One around my waist tightly pinning my arms down and the other over my mouth. Just by their grasp I could tell my capturer was male.
"Not what I was expecting but...".
I could move again. I was kicking and screamimg . My capturer's hand clamped down over (should be deleted) harder over my mouth so all that was audible was a faint whinning (whining) sound. As for my legs, ropes seemed to appear from nothing (nowhere) and wrap around them.
"Nice work Dyce, Brendan; but hurry, the cameras won't stay frozen forever". Wait, there was more than one? " I think it might be safer if we make her pass out.". There was a grunt in response.
Realising (Realizing) what they were saying made be (me) struggle even note (more) violently than before. But before I too (could) manage my escape, I felt a light prick on my left thigh and the world seemed to melt into darkness.
With a few grammatical errors, it's very hard to follow this chapter, though I do see a good idea hidden under it all. You should consider proofreading your chapter before posting it, and as for the style... I think you should add some more description, and maybe tell a little more about what is happening. I understand - or at least hope - that you're trying to keep things mysterious, but I really have no idea what's going on at all here. I don't even really know what the protagonist is supposed to be doing. Looking for a book... in a maximum security prison? Why is she intent on avoiding the camera?
All in all, some more details and revising would be nice, and with practice you could unleash the potential of this story.
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Old 11-11-2017, 10:49 PM View Post #6 (Link) Add more
Ravenscrown (Offline)
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You want your story to be long and well put that way people will want more. Clif hangers would be awesome
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