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Old 02-02-2017, 10:45 PM View Post #1 (Link) Zombies ain't the problem (not official title)
manidkk (Offline)
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Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Chile
Posts: 4
Points: 12.5
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This is the first thing I've ever published, so any and all advice is very much appreciated. Have a good one!


The refugee camp reeked of people. Sweat, piss, every stink imaginable hung in the air, completely obliterating the salty smell of the sea. Gulls called to each other from high above, their noise mixing in with the frightened chatter of the crowd. Everyone was looking towards the harbor, anxiously waiting for another ship to come into port. They'd been like this for days. No one dared try and leave by themselves. Except for me, apparently. But I'm just trying to live up to my various titles. Camp Esperanza's one and only lunatic. The freak from the wastelands, the only idiot dumb enough to try their luck with the hordes of infected, etc. I'm also the local regiment's plaything.
Turns out, the brave men and women in charge of making sure that Esperanza remains a beacon of hope for Chileans everywhere get bored easily. Especially now, when the world was slowly beginning to get back on its feet. The immune had begun to fight back, after being massacred for nearly a year. Apparently the shock had finally worn off. About time. The thing was, the so-called zombie apocalypse didn't go the way everyone thought it would. For one, there weren't any scenes of desperate survivors heroically shooting at an army of the undead, only to survive by some miracle. Surprise surprise, video games and movies were dead wrong. You got cornered, you got eaten alive. The end. No one came back, revived by the monstrous virus. It didn't spread via the usual ways either (otherwise we would have been overrun with rabies a long, long time ago). What could have started out as a freak mutation, or a lab accident, turned into an airborne pathogen that crippled modern society in less than thirty days. The cruel reality of it all made nerds everywhere balk and piss themselves in fear as their backup plans went flying out the window. Not to mention your average citizen. But of course, there was a small group of lunatics who loved the danger (AKA the chance to finally shoot at something aside from tin cans and game). Humanity bounced back far too quickly for their tastes, so they were forced to find other things to occupy themselves with. Yours truly fit the bill perfectly.
The Chilean state's proud selection of sociopaths snatched me up in (someplace) using the excuse that they were just doing their duty, saving some poor defenseless civilian. We all knew it was a load of bullshit. There was a silent rule of thumb which established that whoever chose to live in the wastelands stayed there. Every man for himself. Up to that point, anyone who had tried to convince me to head off to a refugee camp became discouraged and gave up in less than five minutes. It took my new friends that same amount of time to kidnap me. I can still hear them laughing, all while I frantically tried to find a way out of that damned truck. Hours later, I was being paraded through the maze of tents with a piece of cardboard hanging from my neck and a fresh set of aching bruises. "El culiao que me ayuda muere," it said in shaky handwriting. Those six little letters were enough to scare off any potential help. The crowd that had formed backed away at the speed of light, and the looks of pity disappeared. Clearly, I was alone. More alone than ever before, back when things still made sense and the Earth wasn't a giant horror house. I was suddenly reminded of my sister, who had constantly tried to get me to return to civilization ever since I first moved into my little cabin up on the Andes mountain range. Kate. Jesus, she never gave up on me. She could be dead or worse. Just like my nephews. I had no way of knowing, not while I was thousands of kilometers away. For once, there was no one out there waiting for me to come home.
The realization was devastating.
For months I did nothing but wallow in my own misery and try to escape whenever Cristían and his men took me out on a drive. They'd tease me, tempt me with freedom before beating me senseless whenever I ran. There was no real point to any of it. They were simply having fun. Who knows why I kept trying.
Every time I crawled back into my puny shelter to restart the process of patching myself up, I'd feel a certain kind of fire in my chest. At first I thought it was shame. An accomplished doctor, falling for the exact same trick over and over again. Like a child. Like an idiot. Pathetic. But yesterday, when the sensation became too much for me to even try to ignore, I realized. It was anger. Burning, festering rage surged through my veins, giving me purpose and energy unlike any other. My hands suddenly felt like they could tear anyone limb from limb, and I almost went out and grabbed the first unlucky soul that walked past. Instead, I growled and shook my head. No doubt I looked crazy. Feral, even. But I restrained myself. I'd need more than animal instinct to get out of here. And I needed it soon, before the next ship came to take another group out to the middle of the Atlantic. To the one place that was safe from infected everywhere - an artificial island rightfully dubbed Atlantis. Cristían might try and force me onto the ship, and provide me with the perfect seat to watch the mainland slowly disappear into the distance. He might not.
But I'm not taking that chance.
						Last edited by manidkk; 02-02-2017 at 10:53 PM.
					 Reason: Big screw up (lack of paragraphs)
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Old 02-03-2017, 11:30 PM View Post #2 (Link) This is my first critique, so I hope it will be helpful
itssweetann (Offline)
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Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: In a town named after a closed down prison
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I really enjoyed reading this! I liked how throughout the entire piece, there was this overhanging since of danger. It was like I could feel the character's mood through the words you were writing. I enjoyed the beginning, how the setting was set with more showing than telling, but I was a little confused. I think you did a good job of setting the scene, but not exactly explaining why. To be more specific, I wasn't exactly sure what the main character was doing there. The way you were able to give a bit of backstory on the character in such a subtle way is incredible, and I think you should expend upon that because it was great! The only thing I had a problem was the reason why the main character (whom in my mind is a he so...) I did not understand why he fit the bill perfectly. Also, I did not understand exactly what the lunatics were trying to gain by kidnapping him, and I did not understand their place in society (were they part of the government, I think you hinted at it, but I can not be sure). All in all, this was a great story to read. I had a good time reading it (I think with some more development I could fall in love with your main character, I love heroes that have the potential to be snarky, and a bit anti-government), and I can't wait to read even more!
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