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Old 04-17-2018, 04:53 PM View Post #1 (Link) Love, Lust & Liars. Prolouge.
Light Wolf (Offline)
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The feeling of her warm, soft lips sent shocks of sadness through my whole body. This feeling was a feeling I'd never get used to. How she'd leave me and then come back for more, telling me that she loved me; and me being the fool that I am, I always let her back in, just so she could break me down bit by bit. I hated it, but I was in love with her and I didn't think anything at that moment could have changed that.

My heart sank as she pulled away, "Keiran..." she mumbled, tracing her thumb over my lips. I placed my hand over hers,

"You don't have to go, Alice, please don't leave me." I said, a hint of desperation in my voice,

"I'm sorry, this just isn't working for me anymore." She moved away from me and brushed her shirt down, giving me a small smile, ignoring the tear that was sliding down my cheek,"I have to go now Keiran, I'll see you around." She turned on her heel and walked out of the door, leaving me there, unaware of my surroundings, my head whirling.

That's how my story starts, at least the part of my story I can remember. The most important part of my story also. I never was the best person, but she changed me. She changed everything.

-

Any critiques are welcome
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Old 04-22-2018, 03:24 PM View Post #2 (Link)
Hannah Barron (Offline)
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[QUOTE=Light Wolf;202678]The feeling of her warm, soft lips sent shocks of sadness through my whole body. This feeling was a feelingsomething I'd never get used to. How she'd leave me and then come back for more, telling me that she loved me; and me being the fool that I am, I always let her back in, just so she could break me down bit by bitgradually. I hated it, but I was in love with her and I didn't think anything at that moment could have changed that.

My heart sank as she pulled away, "Keiran..." she mumbled, tracing her thumb over my lips. I placed my hand over hers,

"You don't have to go, Alice, please don't leave me." I said, a hint of desperation in my voice,

"I'm sorry, this just isn't working for me anymore." She moved away from me and brushed her shirt down, giving me a small smile, ignoring the tear that was sliding down my cheek,"I have to go now Keiran, I'll see you around." She turned on her heel and walked out of the door, leaving me there, unaware of my surroundings, my head whirling.

That's how my story starts, at least the part of my story I can remember. The most important part of my story also. I never was the best person, but she changed me. She changed everything.

-

There was almost nothing I had to critique there that was actually really good, I'm glad that you're such a good writer
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Old 04-27-2018, 11:06 AM View Post #3 (Link) This post is a reply - don't critique it
Light Wolf (Offline)
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Thank you so much
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Old 05-06-2018, 12:10 AM View Post #4 (Link) Reply
WordWizard (Offline)
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This is really good. I am really excited to see the rest of this. The one thing I noticed was a comma where it should have been a period.
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