Forum
Community Forum
Today's Posts
FAQ & Rules
Members List

Writing
Writing Forum
Recent Posts
Critique Guidelines

Groups
YWO Social Groups
Facebook
Myspace

Chat
 
YWA

Register

Store
Support YWO
YWO Merchandise
The Book Despository
Amazon.com (US)
Amazon.co.uk (UK)
Amazon.ca (Canada)

SBS Mag


Reply
 
Thread Tools
Old 05-21-2018, 11:54 PM View Post #1 (Link) Eat my Weight in Love
Rushmore9816 (Offline)
Literary Newbie
 
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 9
Points: 29
Times Thanked: 0
While I was rummaging through memories,
where God reigned supreme, I remembered a face
full of tenderness taking my hand
and leading me to a building with muddy lighting.

Suddenly,
I was standing with others while the priest
raised two measures of tenderness
above my head.

At first, I knew nothing,
listening without understanding,
but enchanted once I sang with others,
all of us standing in that sacred room, that sacrament.

I didnít drink the blood
nor eat the body of Christ,
but I did eat my weight in love
I tore the skin, ate the succulent meat
of the fruit, all of it, to the heart
until Christ was at the core.
  Reply With Quote
Old 05-22-2018, 05:58 PM View Post #2 (Link) Good Poem
Softballgirl333 (Offline)
Literary Artist
 
Softballgirl333's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Somewhere Eating Food
Posts: 252
Points: 9.52
Times Thanked: 6
Originally Posted by Rushmore9816 View Post
While I was rummaging through memories,
where God reigned supreme, I remembered a face
full of tenderness taking my hand
and leading me to a building with muddy lighting.

Suddenly,
I was standing with others while the priest
raised two measures of tenderness
above my head.

At first, I knew nothing,
listening without understanding,
but enchanted once I sang with others,
all of us standing in that sacred room, that sacrament.

I didnít drink the blood
nor eat the body of Christ,
but I did eat my weight in love
I tore the skin, ate the succulent meat
of the fruit, all of it, to the heart
until Christ was at the core.
Make sure as you jump from stanza to stanza it is clear on what it happening. I feel as of there are jumps of time between your stanza's and it makes certain things unclear. Also, I am not sure if this was intended but your poem does not rhyme in anyway, and I know not ALL poems have to rhyme, but I do know that rhyming schemes tend to make poems more interesting. The ending really hits the reader hard and I will give you props upon that. All in all the poem you have written is good, but I feel as if it can be improved upon.

Thanks,
Lyss
__________________
~Always Forgive, Never forget. Learn from my mistakes; But I won't regret~

~Anonymous~
  Reply With Quote
Old 06-12-2018, 03:45 AM View Post #3 (Link)
Mimi12 (Offline)
Literary Newbie
 
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 4
Points: 10.76
Times Thanked: 1
Another beautiful poem! The poem was filled with images in my mind. very beautiful.
  Reply With Quote
Reply
Thread Tools

 


All times are GMT. The time now is 12:47 AM.
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7 - Copyright ©2000 - 2018, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
All writing Copyright © its author(s). All other material Copyright © 2007-2012 Young Writers Online unless otherwise specified.
Managed by Andrew Kukwa (Andy) and Shaun Duke (Shaun) from The World in the Satin Bag. Design by HTWoRKS.