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Old 04-07-2012, 07:15 PM View Post #1 (Link) Seven Deadly Women (No Ending)
ryerye17 (Offline)
Literary Newbie
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Quezon City
Posts: 2
Points: 13.52
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Hello. I need help with the ending of this play. My main problem is I felt I rambled a bit too long that I'm finding it hard to end it. Thank you!

SEVEN DEADLY WOMEN

At curtain, we see MICO and CELESTE arguing around a table. A cake box is prominently displayed on top.
CELESTE
Shut up!
MICO
You shut up!
CELESTE
No, you shut up!
MICO
This is so frustrating! All this over a cake?
CELESTE
Can you read, Mico?
MICO
Can you let things go?
CELESTE
(reading what is on the cake)
“Happy Retirement, Priscilla.”
MICO
And?
CELESTE
First off, your mother’s name is Prudence not Priscilla. And it’s her birthday, not her retirement.
MICO
So it’s a little typo -
CELESTE
A little typo? I let you do one thing for your mother’s birthday -
MICO
It’s not enough we hold the party here -
CELESTE
- And you still screw it up.
MICO
Let it go, Celeste. Mama wouldn’t care. What is the big deal?
The phone rings. Mico lets it go to voicemail. CASSANDRA on stage right leaving a message, while driving. It is a busy road.
CASSANDRA
Mico, it’s Cassandra. Is mama there already? Traffic. I’m on the way -
(to an unseen motorist)
Fuck you, the light is green -
(on the phone)
I just have to pick up a present. Did you get her a present? Well, mine is -
(to the motorist)
Oh, go to hell, asshole -
(to the phone)
Not you, just this STUPID DRIVER WHO CANNOT READ SIGNS. I’ll call you.
CELESTE
The big deal? Do you think Cassandra or even Lucky would make this mistake?
MICO
Don’t drag my sisters into -
CELESTE
Your sisters would have made more of an effort. Mother Prudence would be happy and would give them a bigger cut of the inheritance.
MICO
It always goes back to that -
CELESTE
- And it doesn’t for you? I’d rather die than have the Suarez fortune fall into the hands of that irate lesbian or, worse, that skank.
Doorbell rings. HARRIET enters from within the house to open the door. She takes her time to cross the stage, limping.
CELESTE (cont’d)
Great. That’s probably your mom.
MICO
She’s early.
CELESTE
She’s gonna see me in this mess. She’d think we’re too cheap to get dressed for her and she’s never gonna give us the money.
Celeste exits as Harriet opens the door to PRUDENCE.
HARRIET
Good afternoon, ma’am.
PRUDENCE
So you haven’t been fired yet.
HARRIET
No, ma’am.
PRUDENCE
Were you aware that you were making my beauty wait here in the heat of the sun while you took your time to open the door?
HARRIET
I’m sorry, ma’am, I have a stiff leg.
PRUDENCE
Excuses. That’s all you lot can muster. Excuses.
MICO
(hearing the commotion)
Mom? Mom, it is you.
PRUDENCE
Baby boy, how are you?
(kisses him)
Is your gold-digging wife here?
MICO
Not so loud, she might hear you.
PRUDENCE
There’s doubt? Let me remedy that.
(shouting)
Is your gold-digging wife here?
MICO
Mom, please, it’s your birthday. Celeste is throwing you a nice party.
PRUDENCE
(noticing the table)
It would be nicer if she attempted to use a better tablecloth.
MICO
Mom, that was your anniversary present.
PRUDENCE
Huh. That says a lot, doesn’t it?
MICO
Celeste is just preparing herself. She wants to look her best for you.
PRUDENCE
That’s a first.
CELESTE
(bouncing in with an expensive looking dress)
Mother Prudence, how are you, I missed you so much, how was your trip, was it good, my you look stunning today.
PRUDENCE
Mico, is my room ready?
MICO
Up the -
CELESTE
Yes, Mother Prudence, I used our best sheets, our hypo-allergenic pillows and even the most fragrant air-fresheners.
PRUDENCE
Huh. So you don’t use your best sheets for my son’s bed.
MICO
Mom, that’s not what she -
PRUDENCE
You, maid, bring my bags up to my room.
Harriet lifts Prudence’s bags. It takes her a considerable time before she leaves.
PRUDENCE (cont’d)
You should hire someone more competent.
MICO
But she’s -
CELESTE
Yes, Mother Prudence, we will fire her first thing in the -
PRUDENCE
Is my grand-daughter here?
CELESTE
Yes, Ella is in her room studying, she’s been going on and on about how she misses her favorite grandmother.
PRUDENCE
Has she eaten?
CELESTE
Well -
MICO
Actually, mom, Ella has been having some problems.
PRUDENCE
I suppose someone’s not cooking enough for her.
MICO
She doesn’t -
CELESTE
Of course not, Mother Prudence, I cook and I cook and I slave for her but she still refuses to see me as her mother.
PRUDENCE
I want to see her.
CELESTE
Ella, grandma’s here! Mother Prudence, how was your trip?
MICO
Honey, mom just wants to rest after her flight.
CELESTE
Nonsense. I want to hear all the details, don’t leave anything out, we’re all just so fascinated with your life.
PRUDENCE
Honey, give it up. I wrote the book on sucking-up.
The phone rings. Mico lets it go to voicemail. Cassandra on stage right leaving a message, while driving. It is a busy road.
CASSANDRA
Mico! Almost there. Mom there yet? Pick up -
(to motorists)
Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, well I can give you a finger too! You want a whole fist!
(on the phone)
By the way, have you heard from Lucky. I’ve been calling her all day and she hasn’t picked up. Anyway, I -
(to motorists)
You did not just challenge me! You demons -
(on the phone)
I’ll call you back.
ELLA walks in morosely. She is morbidly thin. Harriet follows her, dusting around.
PRUDENCE
Hello, Ella.
MICO
Ella, what do we say to grandma?
ELLA
Hello, Grandma.
PRUDENCE
Ella, my favorite grand-daughter.
CELESTE
(aside)
Your only grand-daughter.
MICO
Ella, what do you say to grandma?
ELLA
(insincere)
You’re my favorite grandmother!
MICO
Mom, Ella has been a good girl. She has passed all her subjects, she’s taking college exams this September.
ELLA
(rolling her eyes)
Jeez, dad.
MICO
Such a sweet girl.
PRUDENCE
Look at you! You’re so thin! Is Celeste not feeding you?
ELLA
No, I’m so fat. Look at my arms - I look like a cow!
PRUDENCE
Nonsense. Celeste, why don’t you let her eat?
ELLA
Is that cake?
PRUDENCE
No, it’s - why, yes it is. Let me see that.
MICO
(grabbing it)
No, no, it’s a surprise, mom.
(handing it to Ella)
Here, bring this to the kitchen.
ELLA
(smelling the cake)
Smells so good.
MICO
Kitchen, Ella.
Ella stares at the cake then exits.
LUCKY (OFF STAGE)
YO-DE-LE-HI-HOO!
MICO
What was that?
LUCKY (OFF STAGE)
YO-DE-LE-HI-HOO!
MICO
Is that - ?
LUCKY (OFF STAGE)
HOO-HU! HOO-HU!
MICO
Oh, no. Is she - ?
LUCKY (OFF STAGE)
(in a fake British accent)
And a good day to you, sir.
PRUDENCE
I cannot handle her right now. Mico, I’m in the same room?
Prudence exits, Celeste tagging along.
CELESTE
Let me show you to your -
Doorbell. Harriet sits down on a sofa.
MICO
Harriet?
HARRIET
(browsing through a magazine)
Yes, sir?
Doorbell. Repeatedly.
MICO
You forgetting something?
HARRIET
I don’t think so.
LUCKY (OFF STAGE)
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow your house down!
HARRIET
I think I left the oven on though. Oh well.
MICO
Perhaps, you’d like to get the door.
HARRIET
Oh, right.
Harriet opens the door to a very drunk LUCKY.
LUCKY
Why, hello, there. You look mighty fierce.
MICO
Lucky, Ate Cassandra’s the lesbian of the family.
LUCKY
Kuya Mico, how are you?
(hugs him)
Happy birthday.
MICO
It’s mom’s birthday.
LUCKY
Give your little sister some lovin’ -
MICO
(dragging Lucky to a couch)
Why don’t you sit over and have some coffee. Harriet, would you get some coffee?
HARRIET
But I’m wide awake, sir.
MICO
Not for you, Harriet.
Harriet exits.
LUCKY
Did I - hic - get Ate Cassie right? Mommy’s dividing her inheritance today?
MICO
Don’t think about that, Lucky.
LUCKY
You don’t want me to think about it because you want everything for yourself! You and your greedy wife!
MICO
Lucky, sober up.
LUCKY
No!
MICO
Where did you come from? Your house?
LUCKY
A bar. Correction. The house of some guy from the bar.
(laughs)
Ella enters wearing a tight shirt.
ELLA
Daddy, daddy, daddy -
MICO
What, Ella?
ELLA
I’m fat! This shirt is too small for me!
MICO
Ella, that’s your shirt four years ago.
LUCKY
That’s a hot shirt.
ELLA
Aunt Lucky, do I look fat?
LUCKY
It doesn’t matter, dear. Men go for big gals like you, now.
Ella exits, crying. She bumps into Celeste.
CELESTE
What’s wrong?
ELLA
Celeste, Aunt Lucky called me fat!
CELESTE
So she’s here.
Harriet enters with a cup of coffee.
MICO
The coffee’s here, Lucky.
CELESTE
(swiftly grabbing the cup)
No, it’s not.
MICO
Celeste, what are you doing?
CELESTE
If she’s drunk out of her wits, Mother Prudence would never give her a cent of her money.
MICO
Don’t be absurd.
(takes the cup from Celeste and gives it to Lucky)
LUCKY
(drinking)
This is bad coffee! I’ve had men that tasted better.
CELESTE
One cup of coffee doesn’t cure years of alcoholism, Mico.
MICO
(tastes the coffee)
What the -? Harriet, what is this? It’s black!
HARRIET
I was too tired to find the sugar and milk, sir.
MICO
It’s right next to the coffee!
(hands the coffee back to Harriet)
Harriet exits.
CELESTE
Mico, you have to do something. I am so tired of sucking up to your mother.
MICO
Yeah, maybe you should give it a rest.
CELESTE
And let your siblings take the inheritance. You deserve the money!
MICO
Mom is never going to give you the money if you keep annoying her. Just lie low.
The phone rings. Lucky answers the phone.
LUCKY
(straight)
Hello?
CASSANDRA
Hello, Lucky?
LUCKY
(imitates Celeste)
No, this is Celeste, dear. Is that you, my dear Ate Cassandra?
CASSANDRA
Stop fucking around, Lucky. Is Mother there?
LUCKY
Oops, sorry, I have another call. Bye-bye!
CASSANDRA
Lucky, do not hang-up the phone. Do not! Do not! DAMN!
LUCKY
(hanging-up)
Prank caller.
Prudence and Ella return. Ella is still crying.
PRUDENCE
Stop crying. It is not lady-like.
ELLA
Aunt Lucky called me -
PRUDENCE
Yes, yes, I heard.
LUCKY
Mommy!
PRUDENCE
Hello, Lucky. Still got no HIV?
LUCKY
I’m clean!
PRUDENCE
What an achievement.
MICO
Mom, don’t lecture, she’s drunk.
PRUDENCE
What makes you think I want to lecture her?
ELLA
You should, she’s mean!
PRUDENCE
Ella, stop crying, now! Mico, make her stop.
MICO
Ella, honey, you’re not fat. Aunt Lucky is just...well, she’s, uhm, she’s crazy.
LUCKY
Mico!
MICO
Let it go. I could’ve called you by a worse name.
Lucky passes out on the couch.
MICO (cont’d)
(checks up on Lucky)
Harriet!
(pause)
Damn it, Celeste, why don’t you get her a cup of coffee?
CELESTE
Me?
PRUDENCE
Yes, or are you too good to get my family members coffee now?
Celeste obligingly exits.
PRUDENCE (cont’d)
Now, Ella, stop crying. Grandma’s got a surprise for you.
ELLA
Food for a fattie like me?
PRUDENCE
Better! Your mom is coming.
CELESTE (OFF STAGE)
(shouting)
She’s what?
MICO
Uh-oh. Mom what did you do? You know how Celeste feels about -
CELESTE
(storming in with a cup of coffee)
- That man-stealing, power-hungry bitch?
ELLA
(covering her mouth)
What?
MICO
Celeste, Wendy is Ella’s mother.
ELLA
(crying)
How could you say that word?
CELESTE
Oh, honey, I’m so sorry.
ELLA
You say the word ‘hungry’ when someone is on a diet!
Ella exits crying.
MICO
(shouting)
Ella, you’re not fat!
PRUDENCE
Also, in this case, Celeste, you were the man-stealer.
Celeste storms out.
MICO
Mother, what are you doing? You know putting my wife and my ex-wife in the same room is a disaster.
PRUDENCE
You see, Mico, of all my daughter-in-laws, she’s the only one I can actually stomach.
Doorbell.
LUCKY
(waking up)
My turn. Scoot over, bitch.
(passes out again)
PRUDENCE
I’m not even going to ask.
Doorbell.
MICO
Harriet, doorbell!
(long pause)
Harriet! Harriet!
CASSANDRA (OFF STAGE)
I got to pee!
HARRIET
(entering)
I’m so sorry. I saw Miss Lucky napping and I felt so sleepy.
(rushes to open the door)
CASSANDRA
Move over! Girl’s gotta pee!
(rushes past her)
Mico. Mom. Slut.
(exits)
LUCKY
(waking up)
Hi, ate!
(passes out)
PRUDENCE
That is another talk waiting to happen.
(exits)
Celeste enters.
CELESTE
She’s gone. Good. Listen, Mico. I love your mother oh so so so dearly.
MICO
She can’t hear you.
CELESTE
Good. She’s just super annoying, the way she demands all this from me and inviting Ella’s mother, who does she think she is? The goddess around here?
Prudence enters, discreetly.
CELESTE (cont’d)
Well, I got news for that old hag! There is only one room for a Suarez matriarch and once she leaves us all her money that position has Celeste written all over it.
PRUDENCE
Oh, really?
MICO
Jesus Christ.
LUCKY
Cat fight!
MICO
Mom, Celeste was just...she was -
CELESTE
Mother Prudence, I’m so sorry. It’s just that I’m so tired right now because I’m throwing you this great party and -
Cassandra enters with the box of cake.
CASSANDRA
Mom, you never told us you’re retiring.
MICO
She’s not.
PRUDENCE
I’m not.
CASSANDRA
But the cake says ‘Happy Retirement.’
PRUDENCE
Celeste...
MICO
No, no, that is for my dear friend, Priscilla. Didn’t you see the name. “Priscilla.”
CASSANDRA
No. I think someone licked the name off.
Ella enters with icing all around her mouth.
ELLA
Are you happy, Celeste? Are you happy I’ve eaten? Are you happy that I’m so fat and you still want me to eat and eat and eat? Are you happy now?
(storms out)
CELESTE
I think I need to lay down.
MICO
Honey, are you okay?
CELESTE
Yes, yes, I’ll just borrow this.
(grabs Lucky’s alcohol bottle and exits)
CASSANDRA
Bro, your bitch is having a bad day.
PRUDENCE
Cut it out, Cassandra, it doesn’t suit you.
CASSANDRA
Mother, this is a valid life decision and I will stand by it!
PRUDENCE
I am not in the mood for this.
CASSANDRA
Heard Wendy’s coming.
MICO
Yes, Mom invited her.
CASSANDRA
Cool, cool.
(beat)
She still single?
MICO
Yes.
CASSANDRA
Cool, cool.
(beat)
She swing both ways?
PRUDENCE
Unless that is a reference to baseball terminology, I’d rather lie down myself.
(exits)
CASSANDRA
She still hasn’t gotten over the fact that I’m into chicks now.
MICO
You were always into chicks. Who do you think stole your Playboys growing up?
CASSANDRA
That was you?
MICO
Guilty as charged.
CASSANDRA
You bastard! I was looking for those!
MICO
That was thirty years ago, Ate Cassandra.
CASSANDRA
Breathe, control, one, two, release.
MICO
Therapy working?
CASSANDRA
It’s okay. Yo, slut, wake up.
MICO
Please don’t wake her. I just got her to -
LUCKY
What’s with all the shouting? We should spread love not war.
CASSANDRA
And not STD’s.
LUCKY
Ate Cassie, you look like a boy.
CASSANDRA
Oh, go back to sleep. So, is it true? Mother’s dividing up the inheritance today?
MICO
That’s what I’ve heard.
CASSANDRA
Eldest! I call the house.
MICO
You don’t get to call anything. Mom does.
CASSANDRA
And your wife isn’t all up mother’s ass sucking up to her?
MICO
It’s not working.
LUCKY
Up the ass.
(laughs)
Always funny, Ate Cassie.
MICO
How’s the job?
CASSANDRA
Good, good. I just published my new poetry collection. You got my copy?
MICO
Sure...
CASSANDRA
You read it?
MICO
Well...
CASSANDRA
You didn’t read it? Goddamn it, my own brother not reading my work!
MICO
Well, it’s all angry lesbian erotic poetry. I mean, it started out fun at first but then I realized my sister is probably doing this then it becomes less fun.
CASSANDRA
And you, Lucky, you got a job now?
LUCKY
Got sacked from my last job.
CASSANDRA
The pimp let you go?
LUCKY
Apparently, even a doctor’s secretary is bound by the hypocra - hypocrit - the silly doctor’s oath.
CASSANDRA
I don’t think it’s their oath. It’s probably you.
LUCKY
I mean, I shagged all the doctors in that clinic and they still fire me?
MICO
Probably you.
Harriet enters.
HARRIET
Mrs. Prudence wants to know if the topic of -
(fidgets)
To use her words, that woman to woman crap is over with.
LUCKY
Two girls, one cup.
(laughs)
CASSANDRA
Tell mother my queer vagina is safely reared in.
HARRIET
I don’t think I can say that.
MICO
Just tell her it’s fine, Harriet. Thank you.
CASSANDRA
Hang on.
(approaches Harriet)
Hey, baby girl. How ya’ doing?
HARRIET
Fine.
CASSANDRA
I can take you out one night. I guarantee. You’ll never wanna do dudes again.
HARRIET
(unsure)
Ooooh.
CASSANDRA
You free tonight?
HARRIET
Gee, I’d love to but I’m really tired.
CASSANDRA
You disrespect me! How dare you disrespect me!
MICO
Ate Cassandra, please.
CASSANDRA
Inhale, control, one, two, exhale. I’m sorry, as you were.
LUCKY
How about me, Li’l Harriet.
MICO
Yes, but you’re not a lesbian.
LUCKY
I have to be?
Harriet exits. Ella comes in.
ELLA
Daddy, Celeste’s going crazy upstairs.
MICO
Ella, do you see who’s arrived?
ELLA
(uninterested)
Hello, Auntie Cassandra.
CASSANDRA
Ella, you’re so thin!
ELLA
(teary-eyed)
Lies! Lies! You’re mocking my weight.
(runs out)
Prudence enters.
ELLA (cont’d)
Grandma, Aunt Cassie...Fat...Fat...
PRUDENCE
What is your daughter’s problem, Mico?
MICO
Lack of love?
PRUDENCE
Celeste is not the best mother substitute.
CASSANDRA
Lay off my girl, Celeste, mother! She’s cool.
PRUDENCE
Perhaps, you’d like her to get all my money then.
CASSANDRA
I didn’t say that. Did I say that, Mico? No, I didn’t.
PRUDENCE
Lucky, wake up.
LUCKY
Mommy dearest!
PRUDENCE
I am such a bad mother.
MICO
You shouldn’t have woken her up. I just got her down.
PRUDENCE
We need to talk about my estate -
Celeste rushes in.
CELESTE
Mother Prudence, how about some juice? You want more ice, Harriet more ice! You want anything, food, chips, anything. My wedding ring, you want it.
PRUDENCE
Sad.
MICO
Honey, why don’t you make us all some snacks? Open up the wine bottle.
LUCKY
I want more wine.
MICO
Three glasses of wine and free flowing coffee for her.
CELESTE
Harriet! Wine and coffee! Fast! Harriet.
MICO
Honey, why don’t you help her?
CELESTE
Harriet, hurry up.
CASSANDRA
Listen, you’re my home girl but what my dick-less brother here is trying to say - GET OUT AND GET ME MY WINE!
Celeste storms out.
LUCKY
Kuya Mico, are you okay? Maybe you and Wendy could get back together.
MICO
Wendy and I are over.
LUCKY
But Wendy’s so so so pretty, don’t you think?
Harriet enters with a tray of drinks.
PRUDENCE
As I was saying, and this is important, my estate -
Harriet absentmindedly trips and all the drinks go flying.
MICO
Harriet!
HARRIET
I’m so sorry, sir, my mind was elsewhere.
Ella enters.
ELLA
Eric just called. He said he’s breaking up with me for Sarah Ellis! He said I’m too fat for him!
CASSANDRA
Let’s pummel that bastard!
MICO
No one’s pummeling anyone and no one is too fat.
LUCKY
Ate Cassie, you’re putting in on some weight.
CASSANDRA
What?
PRUDENCE
She may be a drunk, but she’s not wrong.
CASSANDRA
I. Am. Big. Boned!
Celeste enters with a travelling bag.
CELESTE
Treating me like a maid as if I had done nothing for this family.
MICO
Honey?
CELESTE
I’m leaving.
MICO
But -
PRUDENCE
Why are you stopping her, Mico?
CELESTE
This is what you all want isn’t it? Me gone? You want to rid the world of me? Well, I’ve got better prospects out there! There are richer men out there. And I am suing you all!
MICO
Why is she -?
LUCKY
(to Prudence)
There’s probably another guy.
CASSANDRA
Knowing Mico, probably another girl.
MICO
You’re not leaving me for another guy, are you?
CELESTE
There’s no other guy. Is there another girl?
MICO
Well, no.
CELESTE
You lie! That’s your lying face!
MICO
But, what -?
CELESTE
I’m out of here!
Celeste storms out to exit but when she opens the front door, WENDY is there, hand raised to knock.
WENDY
Bad time?
CELESTE
You! You’re sleeping with my husband!
WENDY
You’re leaving. But you have it all, Celeste. You’re throwing it all away.
(sweeps in)
Hello, everyone.
ELLA
Mommy!
WENDY
Hello, Ella.
(hugs her)
You’re so pretty.
ELLA
But I’m so fat.
WENDY
Yeah, you need to lose weight.
Ella sits down thoughtfully.
MICO
You’re kidding, right? She’s skin and bones.
WENDY
How would she learn to better herself when she settles for mediocrity? I should know, I regret that every day.
PRUDENCE
Hello, Wendy, sit beside me.
WENDY
Mother Prudence, happy birthday. I love your dress, where can I get one?
PRUDENCE
This old thing has been in my closet for years.
CELESTE
So that’s it? You all can replace me with her?
MICO
Alright, alright, I’m sorry I have to do this but it’s the only way. Celeste, quit the drama. It stopped working three years ago. Take your empty suitcase back to our room. Ella, help Harriet with the drinks. Go! Wendy, it’s nice to see you, would you mind waiting in the kitchen while we discuss some family matters?
PRUDENCE
Actually, Mico, I’d rather Wendy were here.
CELESTE
Wendy can be here?
PRUDENCE
Wendy doesn’t annoy me, dear.
Celeste exits up the staircase. Ella and Harriet exit to the kitchen.
WENDY
Mico, why could you not have been this aggressive when we were together? I quite like it.
MICO
(uncomfortable)
Well, you see, Wendy...
LUCKY
Mama wants some!
CASSANDRA
Shut up, slut.
WENDY
It seems that you’ve given Celeste everything. Nice furniture, nice house, nice haircut, by the way. You couldn’t have given any of that when we were together?
MICO
We had no money before..
WENDY
Celeste. Celeste. It’s always Celeste.
Celeste creeps down.
WENDY (cont’d)
You love her more than you loved me.
MICO
Well...yeah.
Giddy, Celeste exits up.
WENDY
Excuse me, I need a moment.
(exits)
CASSANDRA
Always had a knack for the drama queens.
Harriet enters with the drinks. The wine is in coffee mugs.
HARRIET
Sir Mico, here are the wine and coffee. I couldn’t find the wine glasses.
MICO
They’re at the cupboard.
HARRIET
It’s too high for me to reach.
(starts handing out drinks)
As Harriet is handing out drinks, she accidentally pours some wine on Mico’s pants. She immediately kneels down and gets a handcloth and wipes him. She exits.
MICO
Where were we?
CASSANDRA
Is there something going on between you and the maid?
MICO
What? No!
LUCKY
I could see sexual tension brewing.
MICO
She spilled a drink.
LUCKY
I saw your eyes connecting. Your bodies have danced the naked tango.
PRUDENCE
I do not like Celeste but I’m not sure replacing her with the maid is a smart decision, Mico.
MICO
I am not having an affair with Harriet! I am not cheating on Celeste!
LUCKY
That’s probably why she’s always so tired.
MICO
No! No! Shut up.
CASSANDRA
Let me check.
(exits)
MICO
This was fun, wasn’t it, guys?
Ella and Wendy enter, whispering.
WENDY
Mico!
MICO
Yes, hon - I mean, yes, Wendy?
WENDY
I think it’d be best if Ella would spend more time with me.
MICO
Huh? Where is this coming from?
WENDY
She’s already spent too much time with you and that woman.
MICO
Ella, say something.
ELLA
Mommy promised to help me diet.
MICO
Great. Just great.
PRUDENCE
You’re taking my grand-daughter away from my son?
WENDY
She is also my daughter, Prudence.
LUCKY
That means they fucked!
(laughs)
PRUDENCE
Well, of all the ungrateful, insensitive -
WENDY
I’m sorry, this is hard for me too.
MICO
You cannot stand to see me happy, can you?
WENDY
Sure, Mico. This is all about you. Everything I do is against you. I am an evil, selfish woman!
Celeste rushes down the stairs, holding a pair of red panties.
CELESTE
Mico, whose are these? These belong to you, don’t they?
WENDY
I’m sorry. Mico has never seen my panties in a decade and he never will again.
LUCKY
May I?
(she gets the panties)
You can always tell a woman by the panties she wears.
CELESTE
Well?
LUCKY
She was a slut.
Enter Harriet, crying, followed by Cassandra.
MICO
What is up?
HARRIET
She...she...she touched my -
CASSANDRA
It was a joke!
HARRIET
I was sleeping and she touched -
CASSANDRA
That’s what we get when we don’t wear underwear.
Celeste, Wendy, Ella, Prudence and Lucky gasp. Lucky passes out. All eyes on Mico.
PRUDENCE
You’re having an affair with the maid!
CELESTE
She’s gonna get all my money!
WENDY
How can I ever compete with that?
All eyes turn to Harriet. She faints. All eyes return to Mico.
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