Forum
Community Forum
Today's Posts
FAQ & Rules
Members List

Writing
Writing Forum
Recent Posts
Critique Guidelines

Groups
YWO Social Groups
Facebook
Myspace

Chat
 
YWA

Register

Store
Support YWO
YWO Merchandise
The Book Despository
Amazon.com (US)
Amazon.co.uk (UK)
Amazon.ca (Canada)

SBS Mag


Reply
 
Thread Tools
Old 08-05-2016, 11:25 AM View Post #1 (Link) My experimental writing
chiaro0990 (Offline)
Scholarly Apprentice
 
chiaro0990's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: undetectable
Posts: 125
Points: 20.45
Times Thanked: 9
This is my first time writing in first POV short story. I hope you would enjoy it, and tear them apart as you wish, as I enjoyed mine. This is actually a prologue so I hope I'm doing fine

The following questions that might help me improve my skills:
1. Does the content of the story confuses you?
2. Does my word of choice needs more improvement?
3. What part of the sentence you do like the best? why?

Thanks

Spoiler:
At last, the recluse man has turned into a prince that I've dreamed of. Dull, blacken eyes revealed a tiny specs of glimpse passing through the iris that melted the coolness of his face. The way he looks has enthralled me, as if a couple of stones uplifted in my heart and ready to merge into one soul in the near future. Never thought the hours I squandered from scribbling on the paper and throwing off nonsensical plans has been finally paid of. Whist he tightly held my hand, his teeth sparkled over his broaden jaw and his prominent cheeks when the moon spotted us. Something in his gestures that seems different from the way he used to be; perhaps he got appreciated by a senior doctor from a well-known hospital or discovered a rare plant that can cure diseases, or maybe he wants to spend more time with me? I wonder.

We trotted through the mountain with a pant in my lips. The warmth of my body was bursting inside me every minute. Resting my eyes for a few seconds, I could feel my sweats crawled over my skin and left some traces in my favorite red-checkered-sleeves. It seems that I've already reached my limit. My feet could no longer take another step while my mind dictated to move forward. I want to go further but my legs won't move an inch. To go on or not, to stay or to leave. This ambivalence is so frustrating. Then he suddenly pat a handkerchief on my face, telling me not to give up. No other words have been mentioned, but I'm glad he didn't. Only his smile suffices me to get back on the tracks. I sipped some water in the jar from my backpack and started hiking again. After few meters away from the town, we finally put forth to our destination. The mountain's peak.

We began to settle the camp, kindle the fire and assemble the telescope which he borrowed from the librarian earlier. Despite the creeping insects on the bulky ground, the view is fascinating: various colored stems drawn in the sky, blossomed into a flower that shifted its color to green to blue to red to pink until it vanished. Fire bugs shimmered around the tree--where I am standing--like a wisp that came from a fairy tale. I wouldn't expect of such a nonchalant person would be so romantic. He firmly grasped my hands and raised it to the level of his chest. He told me that he laid his eyes on me since the day I had been rushed to his clinic last winter. Bright blue eyes, long blond hair, fair skin complexion and ragged-old jumpsuits were running in his mind. All this time, he waited for the right moment to confess everything...to say that he loves me. His confession averted my eyes from that overwhelmed emotions I've heard. Trying to calm myself, I could hear his footsteps grew louder than before, uttering my name in a sweet, deep tone. "Claire"
__________________
Don't lower your expectation to meet your performance. Raise your level of performance to meet your expectation. Expect the best of yourself, and then do what is necessary to make it a reality
-Ralph Marston

General expressions in non-concrete terms are laziness, they are talk, not art, not creation.
  
						Last edited by chiaro0990; 08-07-2016 at 02:33 AM.
					
					Reply With Quote
Old 08-11-2016, 02:36 AM View Post #2 (Link)
Jejune (Offline)
Literary Newbie
 
Jejune's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: United States
Posts: 5
Points: 2.97
Times Thanked: 1
I like the way you tell the story and how enchanting it all seems. The only thing would be some word choices and some grammatical errors to revise. For example, "Dull, blacken(((I would use dark, or shaded maybe))) eyes revealed atiny specs of glimpse passing through the iris (((unsure what should be said here, seems a little unclear)))that melted the coolness of his face." Anyways, I enjoyed the read and look forward to seeing how it all comes together
  Reply With Quote
Old 08-21-2016, 04:04 PM View Post #3 (Link) Engaging
Alicequartermellon (Offline)
Literary Newbie
 
Alicequartermellon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Fairyland
Posts: 6
Points: 21.7
Times Thanked: 0
Firstly I'd like to say that you have made good use of every sentence in my opinion which is so important in a short story. You have an interesting piece of writing here which can be hard to achieve in such few words.
The main issue for me is the grammar mistakes such as, 'has been paid of' which I think should read, 'would have paid off'. The tense sometimes seems a bit inconsistent and I think you should try to use mostly the perfect tense in this piece. My main suggestion to you would be to have somebody proof read your work as there are a lot of minor mistakes and once those are fixed your work would read much more professionally. I think you have talent as a writer but need to hone your English Language skills.
I hope this was helpful and I'd love to read what happens in the rest of the story.
  Reply With Quote
Old 04-15-2017, 10:31 AM View Post #4 (Link)
Bloggerscott (Offline)
Literary Newbie
 
Bloggerscott's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Montana
Posts: 5
Points: 6.76
Times Thanked: 0
I a freelancer writer, I write articles for a number of websites. I have start experiments with my writing. I try different-different writing style to improve my writing skill.
  Reply With Quote
Reply
Thread Tools

 


All times are GMT. The time now is 09:03 AM.
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7 - Copyright ©2000 - 2017, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
All writing Copyright © its author(s). All other material Copyright © 2007-2012 Young Writers Online unless otherwise specified.
Managed by Andrew Kukwa (Andy) and Shaun Duke (Shaun) from The World in the Satin Bag. Design by HTWoRKS.