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Old 04-17-2017, 09:43 AM View Post #1 (Link) Strange Feelings
TheRaconteur (Offline)
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My heart aches but I donít know why
Worries fill my heart every night
Every now and then I feel alone
The reason why, I do not know

Perhaps I donít want to face the truth
The dangerous desires of my youth
Maybe Iím just afraid to lose
Cluelessness will be my excuse

Everything is fine the way it is
Iíd rather live in this peaceful bliss
Iím afraid to follow the road
For the end has not been showed

Itís not like it will end happily
No one really feels that way about me
So Iíll just act the way I usually do
Because Iím afraid to face the truth
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Old 04-18-2017, 07:14 AM View Post #2 (Link) "Strange Feelings" Review
ac_writer (Offline)
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When I was reading your poem, I have to say that I really liked it. It reminded me of times where I had actually felt like what you are describing. You captured the essence and feelings that most people have when they experience love. Especially the fear of not knowing what will happen in the future, because the love someone feels could lead to a good or bad thing in the end. Good job!!
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Old 04-18-2017, 09:06 PM View Post #3 (Link) "strange feelings" review
LilyRose (Offline)
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This is really good, the structure and imagery are all really amazing, I honestly have nothing to criticise. Well done!
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Old 05-16-2017, 12:03 AM View Post #4 (Link)
L.P.Perez (Offline)
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Originally Posted by TheRaconteur View Post

My heart aches but I donít know why So, as beginnings go, this rather clichť. I can't tell you how many poems I've read that start with a narrator telling the readers that they have had some kind of heartache. That said, if you want to keep this opening, go for it, just be careful with where you go from here.
WorriesI wouldn't use the plural form of "worry" here if I were you. It just doesn't feel right. fill my heart every night I would also suggest adding a period here because compared to the next line, it seems that your idea stops and you start a new one.
Every now and then I feel alone
The reason why, I do not know I don't really like the way you repeat this phrase. Maybe you could try something different.

Perhaps I donít want to face the truth
The dangerous desires of my youth
Maybe Iím just afraid to lose
Cluelessness will be my excuse Ok, so what is your speaker talking about? Yeah, sometimes it's nice to be a little mysterious while writing, but here it just feels to obscure. I want [as your reader] to know what it is that has your speakers heart in a jumble.

Everything is fine the way it is
Iíd rather live in this peaceful bliss
Iím afraid to follow the road
For the end has not been showed
Again, what is it that you are talking about. Why is it is fine the way it is? What road is your narrator talking about?

Itís not like it will end happily
No one really feels that way about me
So Iíll just act the way I usually do
Because Iím afraid to face the truth
So, in my opinion, that was a pretty rough piece. First of all, I noticed a lack of punctuation. While sometimes removing all the punctuation in a poem can give the piece a nice feel, here it just runs some ideas into others. As well, punctuation is important in a poem because it tells the reader when they need to stop, breathe and fully ponder what they just read.

Second, do you really need to capitalize every time you hit enter? The answer should be no, unless every time you hit enter you're starting a new sentence. Which if that's the case you should play around with more complex sentences.

Finally, you need to develop on your ideas some more. Right now, this piece is super obscure AND clichť. I want to know what it is that hurt the narrator. I want and crave more detail. That said, if you have any questions feel free to ask. Good luck and continue writing.
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"Just because I'm smilig doesn't mean I don't want to hit you in the face."
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