Forum
Community Forum
Today's Posts
FAQ & Rules
Members List

Writing
Writing Forum
Recent Posts
Critique Guidelines

Groups
YWO Social Groups
Facebook
Myspace

Chat
 
YWA

Register

Store
Support YWO
YWO Merchandise
The Book Despository
Amazon.com (US)
Amazon.co.uk (UK)
Amazon.ca (Canada)

SBS Mag


Reply
 
Thread Tools
Old 03-22-2014, 01:00 AM View Post #1 (Link) Free to fall
Fawole Phoebe (Offline)
Idea Scribe
 
Fawole Phoebe's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: God's hands
Posts: 64
Points: 15.27
Times Thanked: 14
The video is on
The radio is set
Everybody come out to hear my voice

There is a willingness in me
To show I'm free
Free to do what I can over the noise

CHORUS: just scream it
YE----IYE----IYE---IYE
I can do it all
And shout it
YE ----IYE----IYE---IYE
I'm free to fall

Bridge: fall for the music
fall for the drumset
fall for the drumstick
even when it's sunset

CHORUS: Now shout
YE---IYE----IYE----IYE
I don't mind the rain
And scream it
YE---IYE----IYE-----IYE
COS I have the gain
yeah.


I'm new at this please don't feel disgusted when you read it and try to hear me singing it. Thanks to all my critics.
__________________
I am :
Pretty
Honest
Optimistic
Energetic
Brilliant
Excellent. That's why I am PHOEBE
  Reply With Quote
Old 04-15-2014, 02:53 PM View Post #2 (Link)
fictionlover (Offline)
Idea Scribe
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 64
Points: 8.82
Times Thanked: 17
I don't think it was that bad. It was pretty catchy to me. It has a good rhythm and most people would say rhyming is a bit childish, but in this case I think it worked really well.

The video is on
The radio is set
Everybody come out to hear my voice

There is a willingness in me
To show I'm free
Free to do what I can over the noise
This is the most important part because its the opening. If it's not catchy people won't really listen. Now this part is catchy but it sings a little awkwardly. Because it's rhyming, when you sing it you want to go along with a certain beat. I would suggest to change "Everybody come out to hear my voice" to "Everybody's come out to hear my voice". It's a little suggestion but I think it has more to do with personal preference when it comes to the actual wording of the lyrics. The second part of the opening is really good and keeps with that rhyming so the beat won't be off.

CHORUS: just scream it
YE----IYE----IYE---IYE
I can do it all
And shout it
YE ----IYE----IYE---IYE
I'm free to fall
This part is a little iffy. I would replace "YE----IYE----IYE---IYE" with something else, just because it's not a common things for the crowd, or singer to say in those situations. Usually a singer will write something that the crowd will have no doubt about like "Oh-o-oh", it may seem a little overused but I don't think it would hurt the quality of the lyrics if you used it. Everything else is all right.

Bridge: fall for the music
fall for the drum set
fall for the drumstick
even when it's sunset
This part is good. I don't really have anything to comment on.

This was a pretty good song, welcome to youngwritersonline, and I hope you feel welcome. Keep on writing!
  Reply With Quote
Old 12-25-2014, 04:27 AM View Post #3 (Link)
Yue (Offline)
Literary Newbie
 
Yue's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Philippines
Posts: 5
Points: 8.71
Times Thanked: 0
it was not bad at all,

but the chorus might need some words that people can actually relate,

for example, "IYE-IYE" could be just a simple "Yeah-Yeah"

  Reply With Quote
Old 11-27-2015, 06:14 AM View Post #4 (Link) Love your song!
writingforlife (Offline)
Literary Newbie
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 3
Points: 11
Times Thanked: 0
Well, this may be late, but I read your lyrics and thought it was really interesting. but there could be some changes made.

But, first of all, I REALLY love the meaning of this song, Free to fall. I love the fact that it’s encouraging people to do what they love, that they’re free to fall for anything. People should do what they love no matter the “noise” or what people say they should do. I feel that I can really relate to this song I’m not sure if this is the message of the song, but this is just my interpretation...

Well, now here’s my suggestions:

The video is on
The radio is set
Everybody come out to hear my voice

I don’t think that the first phrase is very catchy for me. “The video is on” and “The radio is set” don’t really have a huge purpose in the meaning of the song. I suggest for you to change it to something like:

I hear whispers in my head
people said to stay
No, I’m ready to show the world my voice

That’s just how I would start the song…not sure if this would change your original meaning of the song though…

There is a willingness in me
To show I'm free
Free to do what I can over the noise

I like how voice and noise rhymes together. Just wanted to point it out. Well, for the second phrase, I think it’s already perfect like this.

CHORUS: just scream it
YE----IYE----IYE---IYE
I can do it all
And shout it
YE ----IYE----IYE---IYE
I'm free to fall

I think that the YE—IYE part is already perfect. I can picture myself singing this haha.

Bridge: fall for the music
fall for the drumset
fall for the drumstick
even when it's sunset

For the bridge, I’m not sure about the part where you said “fall for the drumstick even when it’s sunset.” It doesn’t make sense to me because why is falling for the drumstick when it’s sunset a problem? I suggest something like a contrast:

fall for the night sky
even when it’s sunset

The meaning of this is even though the night sky is not “here” (because it is still sunset), you are still free to fall for something that is not there yet, like dreams, goals, etc.

Overall, I would rate this song an 9/10. Great job! You should keep on writing lyrics, and I would love to hear more from you.
  Reply With Quote
Old 12-06-2015, 05:23 AM View Post #5 (Link)
Untitled (Offline)
Literary Newbie
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 8
Points: 1.38
Times Thanked: 0
Can feel a nice rhythm and openness in it. A certain degree of freshness coming right at you. Could help if you could just add a few more lines for it to flow to a higher extent. But overall, good job, man!
  Reply With Quote
Old 12-18-2017, 10:26 AM View Post #6 (Link)
Chips (Offline)
Novice Writer
 
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 11
Points: 2.17
Times Thanked: 0
Right, to start off with, I liked it. The rhyming was good and the chorus was catchy. The way you described how you or whomever this is from's feelings and emotion was well done but could be improved on in some ways. All in all, I liked it and I encourage you to keep writing!
  Reply With Quote
Reply
Thread Tools

 


All times are GMT. The time now is 03:52 PM.
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7 - Copyright ©2000 - 2018, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
All writing Copyright © its author(s). All other material Copyright © 2007-2012 Young Writers Online unless otherwise specified.
Managed by Andrew Kukwa (Andy) and Shaun Duke (Shaun) from The World in the Satin Bag. Design by HTWoRKS.