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Old 01-10-2018, 12:51 AM View Post #1 (Link) A Summer Place
wkamen (Offline)
Literary Newbie
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 4
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I Woke up to the sound of a cold rain
wrapped in a memory as tears embrace my face
like raindrops hugging the leaves.
I think about that song a summer place
and picture you and me on that beach

Looking back on the memory
When I first saw you
Swayin’ to the rhythm of the waves
on a lonely stretch of sand
I walked up to you
Iooked into your eyes
my heart beating
like a baby’s first heartbeat
saying hello
I knew I’d met the girl
I thought I’d never find

Every time I hear that song
I picture you and me on that beach
Strange how a song sounds like a memory
Somewhere, somewhere only we know.

We walked barefoot, hand in hand
whispering under my breath
I've found the love for me
We stopped at the water’s edge
The soft sensuous touch of the breeze
embraced us and we danced to the song
A summer place

Locked in an orbital embrace
The alluring sunlight
reflecting the glittering sea
cast a blue glow upon us
letting off energy with a passion
and we kissed
Lost in that moment with you
I was totally consumed
binding our love with a kiss

As daylight fades
a perfect sunset
gave life to a perfect day
I didn’t want this day to end
I didn’t want this day to ever ever end

Every time I hear that song
I picture you and me on that beach
Strange how a song sounds like a memory
Somewhere, somewhere only we know.
  
						Last edited by wkamen; 01-11-2018 at 07:53 PM.
					
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Old 01-14-2018, 08:17 PM View Post #2 (Link) Critique
Lovely Lioness (Offline)
Novice Writer
 
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: With Aslan
Posts: 13
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The way that this begins, a rainy day, is different than the "summer place" that the poem talks about after, and I would like to see more lines about it, describing how he felt in contrast to how he felt on the beach.
It would be good to have some punctuation to clarify it, such as:

I think about that song,
a summer place,
and picture you and me on that beach.
Looking back on the memory
When I first saw you,
Swayin’ to the rhythm of the waves
on a lonely stretch of sand

Sometimes it's appropriate to have commas, sometimes not. Whichever way it looks best is probably the way you should go.
However, when writing a poem, language is everything, and the way you described the rain and the beach really made me feel like I was there, watching it. I loved the way you described the sunset giving life to the day, and the line you typed twice:

Every time I hear that song
I picture you and me on that beach
Strange how a song sounds like a memory
Somewhere, somewhere only we know.

It really is the lifeblood of the poem, and the way the rhythm goes makes me think the poem could be a song. And even though it doesn't exactly rhyme, it sounds just right and really is the best poem I've read in a long time. I hope you keep writing and write many more lovely poems!
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