Community Forum
Today's Posts
FAQ & Rules
Members List

Writing Forum
Recent Posts
Critique Guidelines

YWO Social Groups



Support YWO
YWO Merchandise
The Book Despository (US) (UK) (Canada)


Thread Tools
Old 03-09-2018, 12:47 AM View Post #1 (Link) The New Society
nameless (Offline)
Novice Writer
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 14
Points: 5
Times Thanked: 0
Hello everyone, this is my very first time posting something here. I've had a story in my head that i've wanted to publish/post somewhere just so that I could get some feedback on it. I hope, despite the errors/inconsistencies that might be present in this story, that you all find it somewhat interesting and enjoy it. With that being said, here I go.

The New Society

by; Nameless

Chapter 1; Cicada

Last night I had a very peculiar dream... In it, I met someone... or something... and it tried to call out to me, although I could not make out what this being was saying. I was standing next to my bed and I could see him or her standing at the doorway to my bedroom. It was dark with the only light source coming from the hallway outside of my bedroom. I tried calling out to it, but to no avail.

Roman - "Can it even understand me?" I thought to myself.

The silhouette of this figure began approaching me and, admittedly, I began to get a bit more frightened. I crept backward as this thing walked ever so closer to me with each passing second. I could not hear its footsteps as it walked on the wooden floor.

Suddenly, I heard a voice in my head that said,

Voice - "relax,"

which was followed by an inexplicable feeling of calmness. I no longer felt the fear I had a moment ago of this humanoid figure walking toward me. It got closer and closer, but I no longer felt like running away. Then, there it was, right in front of me. It clearly resembled a person with a mix of masculine and feminine facial features. They had long, blonde, wavy hair with the height of an average human male (6' 3''). As I stood there gawking at this person, admiring their features, a thought that I don't think was mine, raced through my head and it said,

Voice - "CICADA."

Baffled, I asked him,

Roman - "what do you mean by that?"

And just like that, the man-like being began to retreat towards the door to my bedroom. I tried to follow but the door to my room immediately shut as the stranger left. I struggled to open the door, but once I did, the man was nowhere to be seen.... He had just simply vanished. I saw an intense, brief, flash of light that seemed to have come from the back yard. I ran outside as quickly as I could and was in disbelief as to what I was witnessing. A giant, triangle-shaped craft hovering above me, black as the night itself with three bright lights under each corner of the craft.

A blinding light was cast down unto me and with one eye opened, arm over my face in an attempt to reduce the amount of light exposure my eyes were receiving, I tried to keep my focus on the craft. But eventually, the intensity of the light proved to much for my retinas and I whited out. I quickly awoke in a sweaty daze. I looked around and everything seemed normal. It was a clear, and sunny day outside. The light emanating from the sun peered its way into my room and I could clearly see my room was empty. Nothing to fear.

I looked outside to my backyard and I saw nothing out of the ordinary. Everyone just going on about their day. I could even hear the sizzling of a juicy piece of steak being grilled in my neighbor's backyard. I went downstairs in order to go out to and get a better look. I did not really expect to find anything as I was confident that what I experienced had only been a dream. And just as I thought, I had found no evidence of anything that indicated that the events of my dream were a reality... with the exception of 3 burnt patches of grass. These curiously arranged in a triangular pattern.

Roman - "holy shit,"

I whispered. Was it really a dream? I was no longer sure. I looked up at the bright blue sky, pondering the events of last night and then I remembered...

Roman - "Cicada... What did the stranger of my dreams mean by that?"

The time to get ready for work approached, so I was forced leave the solving of this mystery for another time.

I thought about last night the entire time I was getting ready to go to work. Like an itch that I could not reach, I had internal debates as to whether my dream actually happened. I left without eating breakfast that morning. I threw my satchel in the back of my car and just as I was about to get in, I noticed an all black vehicle parked by the side walk at the end of my street.

Roman - "Strange,"

I thought to myself as I had never seen that car ever park there before and I have been living in this neighborhood for about 5 years now. It had dark tinted windows, which was bizarre, since the tint percentage on those windows must have been below the acceptable amount. I must have stared at it for about 5 seconds before I thought to get in my car. The mysterious car began to drive down the street towards me. I adjusted my rear-view mirror to get a better view of the vehicle as it drives past me, even if it is for only a brief second.

As soon as the mysterious car was no longer visible, I began to back out of my drive-way.

Roman - "What a f***en weird morning"

I quietly murmured to myself, with a queasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. You know, the kind that tells you that something eerie is happening as if it were just pure instinct. The whole drive to my job I thought about the word "Cicada." I failed to see the connection between an insect and what appeared to be an alien being that apparently invaded my dreams last night. Could it be that I was being warned of a possible, hostile insect takeover? Obviously not, but such a thought of course is amusing to think about. I finally arrived at my prison camp, i.e, my job. I work as a software engineer. I have a work buddy who is just as into conspiracy theories as I am. His name is Jeff. He and I could spend an entire week talking about such things, and we have.

Jeff - "Hey! Roman, guess what I found out last night"

Jeff said with a very low, but intense whisper.

Roman - "What?"

I asked very intrigued. He replied,

Jeff - "So, you know that guy that used to work for the NSA named Cameron?"

Roman - "Yea, did he leak anything?"

I asked.

Jeff - "Oh yea... Turns out our governments have been keeping tabs on us the entire time."

The info that Jeff was revealing to me would seem shocking, if it weren't for the events of last night.

Jeff - " You don't look so shocked bud... I thought you'd have your whole world turned upside down with that. Something wrong?"

I put my arm around Jeff, cupped my hand around his ear and got closer.

Roman - "Something happened to me last night and I'm a little freaked. I don't want to tell you now because you never know who could be listening in. I'll tell you about it later."

Jeff nodded in agreement and we both went inside the building. I sat down at my desk and saw a picture laying next to my monitor. I picked it and I could not believe what it was... it was a picture of a Cicada. I ceased to think that the events of last night were only a dream at this point and began to entertain the idea that it actually happened more and more. I mean, who on Earth would want to just stop by my work station, leave me some random picture and then walk away? Not to mention a picture of something that has been bugging me this entire morning. It all just seemed more than mere coincidence.

I receive a text from Jeff with more details about the leak. Apparently this guy, Cameron, is in some other country seeking asylum from his own government now. Jeff was explaining how the leaked documents revealed that government tracks you through a myriad of methods involving the use of your phone, computer, the street cameras, even your own cars and television sets. If that didn't make you feel like disposing of every electronic device you ever owned I don't know what will.

Supervisor - "Roman!"

Startled, I jumped out of my seatt just a bit.

Supervisor - "Sorry for scaring you like that, but listen, you were a bit late today, care to explain why?"

I was only 10 minutes late, but I suppose tardy is tardy and I actually have no excuse to defend myself with. Well I do, but I might as well say that Santa Claus paid me a visit and lost track of time chatting it up with the old jolly fat man. It was too fantastical, so I just simply said,

Roman - "Aliens, sir... I think aliens visited me last night... So I overslept and was late this morning."

I thought it was worth a shot, and I couldn't wait to see his reaction.

Not amused, he replies,

Supervisor - " Just be sure that you are on time from now on, will you Roman?"

Roman - "Uh, yes sir, sorry sir. Won't happen again."

I replied embarrassed. My supervisor, Mr. Robert, never did have a single funny bone in his entire body. Wouldn't know a good laugh even if it branded itself on his ass cheek. Very uptight guy that one. The rest of my day was very uneventful, and just as I was packing up to go home,l I received a message from an unknown sender. The subject read "For you only." I opened the e-mail and it read,

Letter - "Greetings Roman, you may not know who I am, but I know who you are. I have been watching you for quite some time. You have qualities that interest those such as myself. It is because of those qualities that you posses that we wish to test you to see if you are worthy. Below I have sent you a link to a series of puzzles that you must solve if you wish to know more.Before you reject this invitation, just know, that if you manage to solve all of the puzzles, then at the end of it all of this, you will know true freedom... Speak to no one of this...."

I clicked the link and I saw what seemed to be another message. It read,

"Hello. We are looking for highly intelligent individuals. To find them, we have devised a test.

There is a message hidden in this image.

Find it and it will lead you on the road to finding us.

Good luck."

I copied the URL down on a sheet of paper and exited the web page. As soon as I did that, I suddenly lost the ability to control my own mouse cursor. It's new master moved it over to my inbox, scrolled down to the letter sent from this mystery sender, and proceeded to delete the e-mail. I was terrified. How would they have know when to delete the e-mail? Are they watching me NOW? I check underneath my desk and every little nook and cranny I could find. I had to be bugged. Who is this wacko? What qualities?

Roman - "I'm just some ordinary guy!"

I quietly exclaimed. I had no idea what was happening. But I figured, if solving these puzzles led me to the bottom of this, and my dream, then I should do it. Part of me loves the adventure, the thrill. I've always been a truth seeker, someone who has never been content with the "official story." What kind of freedom these puzzles could possibly lead me to I do not know, but I was dying to find out. It could perhaps be every journalist's wet dream, a treasure trove of secrets, kept hidden from the general public, anyone one of which could be the headline of the century. I left work in a rush, speeding by traffic to get to my house, thinking of locking myself in my room and begin work on these puzzles. As I walk up to my door, I hear noises coming from the inside of my house. The sound of things being tossed around violently. I quickly unlock the door only to find an empty, but ravaged house.

Roman - "What the hell!?"

I said with a mix of frustration, anxiety and fear. I locked all doors, no one could have gotten into this house. I looked around at the mess, trying to find something that could indicate the reason as to why anyone would want to break into my home and leave it looking like a tornado ran through the place. Then I thought if this had anything to do with the dream. As I turn to the entrance door way, I see a man, dressed in an all black tux, dark sunglasses, wearing a black detective-style hat. This tall figure just stood there, watching me. I could only stare back in silence. Immediately, without hesitation and without saying a word, the tall figure began to walk away. He walked towards the end of the street, turned the corner and kept on walking. Finally, he was out my view, he was gone.

That tall man looked like the unmistakable, men in black... I've read about them. They are said to only appear when anyone just happens to be at the wrong place at the wrong time, or at the right place at the right time, depending on one's point of view, to witness a UFO encounter or even have evidence of it. But if that were true, then their presence here could only mean one thing. It was at that point that I dropped to my knees in shock disbelief.

Roman - "Was I visited?"

I knew that to know for sure I had to solve those puzzles. I opened up my laptop to the URL that was given to me. I held an intense gaze at my computer screen for what must have seemed like a long time. I had no idea what kind of rabbit hole these puzzles would lead me to nor how deep that hole could be.

Roman - "Wait, what exactly am I getting myself into?"

I was beginning to have second thoughts. Suddenly my e-mail notifications alerted me of another message. It was him.

Letter - "'Creation is inherently a part of collapse. Do not avert your calling for you are destined to be apart of humankind's next great awakening.' If you are in doubt, look to this message and you will find the answer you are looking for. Consider this a pre-trial before the real thing... Good Luck."

I assumed the message was supposed to help me, but it only left me further in the dark. However, upon closer examination I did notice something. The first line seemed to have held some kind of clue. It couldn't have been some random quote so it must have some purpose. I studied it for half an hour before I finally figured it out.

(C)reation is (I)nherently a part of (C)ollapse. Do not (A)vert your calling for you are (D)estined to be a part of humankind's next great (A)wakening.

CICADA... The mysterious being from my dreams and the man that sent me this letter had to be related. I contemplated,

Roman - "could they be one and the same?"

The only way to find out is to do the puzzles. It was then and there that I decided to go down the rabbit hole to see where it lead me.

And that is basically chapter 1 guys. Let me know what you thought of it.

Thank you.
  Reply With Quote
Old 03-17-2018, 07:21 PM View Post #2 (Link)
TTuzyu (Offline)
Literary Newbie
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 2
Points: 5
Times Thanked: 0
I was standing next to my bed and I could see him or her standing at the doorway to my bedroom
I think the part where it says him or her could be better replaced by referring to the being as it. It feels like that would make the sentence flow a lot easier that way. It would also add to the effect of trying to portray the being as something surreal and other worldly. Overall, I really liked the beginning. The dream provides a strong foundation on what the rest of the story centers around later. It also is a good indicator of what the reader should expect upon further reading.

Another thing I wanted to address was that there seemed to be a bit of inconsistency when referring to the aliens. For example in the above quote it is said to be ambiguous whether it is a male or female. It appears to be characteristically ambiguous. It is also presented in a way that makes the reader believe it is a single person. However, later on it seems like there is more than one of them such as in this instant
They had long, blonde, wavy hair
. Then, later on at the beginning of this paragraph
And just like that, the man-like...
, it is referred to as a singular male throughout. This was a little confusing to read at first. If this is done intentionally to show how disoriented Roman is then that's good but it would also be helpful to show physical signs of his confused state so that it is known for certain that is the case.

After when Roman starts noticing odd things and coincidences around him I think it really adds to the tension in the story. It builds up an expectation of something to happen later. I think it creates a good atmosphere for the story and puts the reader on edge because they want to know what all of this will lead to in the end. Regarding how Roman's feelings are described I think more could be left to the readers imagination. Things such as
You know, the kind that tells you that something eerie is happening as if it were just pure instinct.
feel a little like telling the reader what they should be thinking regarding his nervous actions. It is better sometimes depending on the atmosphere, to let the readers imagination fill in the blanks sometimes.

Overall, the story started off pretty interesting. I haven't read a lot about stories that involve aliens or extraterrestrial life this heavily. It's nice to read something new and fresh. There were some parts were it felt like there was inconsistency or too much was given to the reader but it felt like a solid opening as a whole.
  Reply With Quote
Old 03-17-2018, 09:56 PM View Post #3 (Link) This post is a reply - don't critique it
nameless (Offline)
Novice Writer
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 14
Points: 5
Times Thanked: 0
Thank you very much for the feedback, I really appreciate it.
  Reply With Quote
Thread Tools


All times are GMT. The time now is 11:31 AM.
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7 - Copyright ©2000 - 2018, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
All writing Copyright © its author(s). All other material Copyright © 2007-2012 Young Writers Online unless otherwise specified.
Managed by Andrew Kukwa (Andy) and Shaun Duke (Shaun) from The World in the Satin Bag. Design by HTWoRKS.