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Old 07-03-2017, 08:58 PM View Post #1 (Link) Within My Blood [Epilogue]
SerialLove (Offline)
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Spoiler:
A/N: I'm aware that this is the end of the story [or really after the end, so technically I'm not spoiling anything] and I know I've only posted the prologue and first chapter, but I would love this reviewed. I don't know what inclined me to write this now [1 in the morning my time] before I've finished the rest but if I don't post it now, I'll forget to later. Any who, thanks and enjoy.


Guinevere could hear that classic helicopter sound -- the one caused by an open window on the highway -- and she sighed, reaching an arm out the window. The air curled around her fingers, pushing them backwards as the car speed down the road. It had rained recently and the scent of the moist dirt filled her nostrils. One second, that's all it took to make the decision that had changed her life forever. When she came to Kentucky, she came on a plane, with one suitcase and her computer. Now, she left in a stolen Honda with nothing but the clothes on her back and a crumpled photograph that her grandmother gave her. She had had high ambitions of becoming one of the best medical examiners ever but now she was on her way to God knows where.

Turning her head Guinevere looked at Jasper, studying him. He drove with both hands gripped to the steering wheel so tight Guinevere feared that his fingers might fall off. She felt bad for him. She wanted to say something but every time she tried, her tongue felt so heavy in her mouth that nothing came out. Another sigh escaped her and Guinevere turned back to the front focusing her eyes on both nothing but everything. They drove like that, in silence, until a faint rustling in the back seat made Guinevere glance behind her and Jasper to sneak a peak through the rearview mirror.

"He'll be in pain when he fully wakes up. We should probably find somewhere to camp for the night."

Guinevere looked at Jasper again and this time he meet her gaze. It wasn't the first time she had heard him speak, but his voice still startled her; it was quiet and yet he spoke with such clarity and kindness. Taking another quick glance behind her, Guinevere nodded. In silent agreement they pulled off to the side of the road.

"Lets grab the essentials and then what ever else we can carry, it won't be long till they find this car. I'll carry Christen's things until he's strong enough to do so himself, but we better hurry."

Quietly they both exited the car. Guinevere walked around to the trunk and pulled out a bag; filled with bottled water and a combination of first aid equipment and emergency supplies. Then she pulled one of the three sleeping bags and took a step back. Jasper grabbed the remaining sleeping bags, and two military style packs. Closing the trunk he walked around to the passenger side and opened the glove compartment, reached in and grabbed the Glock 19, stuffing it into the first of the packs. When he turned around he noticed Guinevere giving him a disapproving look before she looked away and pretended to not notice.

"Help me get him out, please."

Together they pulled Christen out of the car and gently laid him down in soft grass that lined the road. With a heavy grunt, Jasper lifted him to his feet and put an arm around his waist, Guinevere doing the same on his other side. Slowly they walked to the edge of the forest where they laid Christen against a tree. Guinevere looked back towards the car. She wondered what would happen to her if she just waited there until some came.

"Ivy, I'm so sorry." Startled, Guinevere turned around. Jasper stood about two feet away, watching her. "I'm sorry that you had to become apart of this, it's not fair to you." He said taking another step towards her.

"It's ok." She mumbled back.

"No, it's not," Jasper reached up and stroked the loose strands of hair from Guinevere's face, before returning his hands to his pockets. "You're to kind, to innocent. I-I'm so sorry."

Jasper turned his head in hopes that he could shield the tears form her, but it didn't work because the next thing he knew she had cupped his chin and pulled his face into hers. The kiss was short, but it got the point across -- for both of them.

"I made my decisions and I can live with them. We should go now. Like you said it wont be long till the car is discovered and I want to be as far away as possible."

"Ok, come on."

Guinevere helped Jasper lift Christen one last time to his feet. With nothing but the light of the moon to guide them they entered the belly of the forest. Neither looked back.
  
						Last edited by SerialLove; 07-03-2017 at 09:04 PM.
					
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Old 08-02-2017, 04:22 PM View Post #2 (Link)
addictedtoreading (Offline)
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Guinevere could hear that classic helicopter sound -- the one caused by an open window on the highway -- and she sighed, reaching an arm out the window. The air curled around her fingers, pushing them backwards as the car speed down the road. It had rained recently and the scent of the moist dirt filled her nostrils. One second, that's all it took to make the decision that had changed her life forever. When she came to Kentucky, she came on a plane, with one suitcase and her computer. Now, she left in a stolen Honda with nothing but the clothes on her back and a crumpled photograph that her grandmother gave her. She had had high ambitions of becoming one of the best medical examiners ever but now she was on her way to God knows where.Not a bad introduction.

Turning her head Guinevere looked at Jasper, studying him. He drove with both hands gripped to the steering wheel so tight Guinevere feared that his fingers might fall off. She felt bad for him. She wanted to say something but every time she tried, her tongue felt so heavy in her mouth that nothing came out. Another sigh escaped her and Guinevere turned back to the front focusing her eyes on both nothing but everything. They drove like that, in silence, until a faint rustling in the back seat made Guinevere glance behind her and Jasper to sneak a peak through the rearview mirror.

"He'll be in pain when he fully wakes up. We should probably find somewhere to camp for the night."

Guinevere looked at Jasper again and this time he meet her gaze. It wasn't the first time she had heard him speak, but his voice still startled her; it was quiet and yet he spoke with such clarity and kindness. Taking another quick glance behind her, Guinevere nodded. In silent agreement they pulled off to the side of the road.

"Lets grab the essentials and then what ever else we can carry, it won't be long till they find this car. I'll carry Christen's things until he's strong enough to do so himself, but we better hurry."

Quietly they both exited the car. Guinevere walked around to the trunk and pulled out a bag; filled with bottled water and a combination of first aid equipment and emergency supplies. Then she pulled one of the three sleeping bags and took a step back. Jasper grabbed the remaining sleeping bags, and two military style packs. Closing the trunk he walked around to the passenger side and opened the glove compartment, reached in and grabbed the Glock 19, stuffing it into the first of the packs. When he turned around he noticed Guinevere giving him a disapproving look before she looked away and pretended to not notice.

"Help me get him out, please."

Together they pulled Christen out of the car and gently laid him down in soft grass that lined the road. With a heavy grunt, Jasper lifted him to his feet and put an arm around his waist, Guinevere doing the same on his other side. Slowly they walked to the edge of the forest where they laid use another wordChristen against a tree. Guinevere looked back towards the car. She wondered what would happen to her if she just waited there until someone came.

"Ivy, I'm so sorry." Startled, Guinevere turned around. Jasper stood about two feet away, watching her. "I'm sorry that you had to become apart of this, it's not fair to you." He said taking another step towards her.

"It's ok." She mumbled back.

"No, it's not," Jasper reached up and stroked the loose strands of hair from Guinevere's face, before returning his hands to his pockets. "You're too kind, too innocent. I-I'm so sorry."

Jasper turned his head in hopes that he could shield the tears form her, but it didn't work because the next thing he knew she had cupped his chin and pulled his face into hers. The kiss was short, but it got the point across -- for both of them.

"I made my decisions and I can live with them. We should go now. Like you said it wont be long till the car is discovered and I want to be as far away as possible."

"Ok, come on."

Guinevere helped Jasper lift Christen one last time to his feet. With nothing but the light of the moon to guide them they entered the belly of the forest. Neither looked back.


Interesting. I'm assuming Guinevere is the girl that made Jasper put his gun down in the second chapter? Also I assume they are running from the law? Not bad overall, keep up the good work!
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Please don't hesitate to message me if you have any comments or questions, I'm always happy to talk about anything reading or writing related. If you want me to look at your writing just ask!
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Old 09-06-2017, 02:18 AM View Post #3 (Link)
HawaiianParadise (Offline)
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Originally Posted by SerialLove View Post
Spoiler:
A/N: I'm aware that this is the end of the story [or really after the end, so technically I'm not spoiling anything] and I know I've only posted the prologue and first chapter, but I would love this reviewed. I don't know what inclined me to write this now [1 in the morning my time] before I've finished the rest but if I don't post it now, I'll forget to later. Any who, thanks and enjoy.


Guinevere could hear that classic helicopter sound -- the one caused by an open window on the highway -- and she sighed, reaching an arm out the window. The air curled around her fingers, pushing them backwards as the car speed down the road. It had rained recently and the scent of the moist dirt filled her nostrils. One second, that's all it took to make the decision that had changed her life forever. When she came to Kentucky, she came on a plane, with one suitcase and her computer. Now, she left in a stolen Honda with nothing but the clothes on her back and a crumpled photograph that her grandmother gave her. She had had high ambitions of becoming one of the best medical examiners ever but now she was on her way to God knows where.

I would break the paragraph into two, so the first one ends at "filled her nostrils" and the second one begins with "One second".

Turning her head, Guinevere looked at Jasper, studying him. He drove with both hands gripped to the steering wheel so tight Guinevere feared that his fingers might fall off. She felt bad for him. She wanted to say something but every time she tried, her tongue felt so heavy in her mouth that nothing came out. Another sigh escaped her and Guinevere turned back to the front, focusing her eyes on both nothing but everything. They drove like that, in silence, until a faint rustling in the back seat made Guinevere glance behind her and Jasper to sneak a peak through the rearview mirror.

"He'll be in pain when he fully wakes up. We should probably find somewhere to camp for the night."

Guinevere looked at Jasper again and this time he meet ("meet" is in present tense) her gaze. It wasn't the first time she had heard him speak, but his voice still startled her; it was quiet and yet he spoke with such clarity and kindness. Taking another quick glance behind her, Guinevere nodded. In silent agreement they pulled off to the side of the road.

"Lets grab the essentials and then what ever else we can carry, it won't be long till they find this car. I'll carry Christen's things until he's strong enough to do so himself, but we better hurry."

Quietly they both exited the car. Guinevere walked around to the trunk and pulled out a bag; filled with bottled water and a combination of first aid equipment and emergency supplies. Then she pulled one of the three sleeping bags and took a step back. Jasper grabbed the remaining sleeping bags, and two military style packs. Closing the trunk he walked around to the passenger side and opened the glove compartment, reached in and grabbed the Glock 19, stuffing it into the first of the packs. When he turned around he noticed Guinevere giving him a disapproving look before she looked away and pretended to not notice.

"Help me get him out, please."

Together they pulled Christen out of the car and gently laid him down in soft grass that lined the road. With a heavy grunt, Jasper lifted him to his feet and put an arm around his waist, Guinevere doing the same on his other side. Slowly they walked to the edge of the forest where they laid Christen against a tree. Guinevere looked back towards the car. She wondered what would happen to her if she just waited there until some (one)came.

"Ivy, I'm so sorry." Startled, Guinevere turned around. Jasper stood about two feet away, watching her. "I'm sorry that you had to become apart of this, it's not fair to you." He said taking another step towards her.

"It's ok." She mumbled back.

"No, it's not," Jasper reached up and stroked the loose strands of hair from Guinevere's face, before returning his hands to his pockets. "You're to(o) kind, to(o) innocent. I-I'm so sorry."

Jasper turned his head in hopes that he could shield the tears form her, but it didn't work because the next thing he knew she had cupped his chin and pulled his face into hers. The kiss was short, but it got the point across -- for both of them.

Great paragraph.

"I made my decisions and I can live with them. We should go now. Like you said, it wont (add apostrophe to the "t") be long till the car is discovered and I want to be as far away as possible."

"Ok, come on."

Guinevere helped Jasper lift Christen one last time to his feet. With nothing but the light of the moon to guide them they entered the belly of the forest. Neither looked back.
I really love the ending. All in all, awesome epilogue and I like the descriptions you have. I can see the moon, the strands of hair hanging in Guinevere's face, them entering the forest.
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