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Old 02-01-2014, 07:21 PM View Post #1 (Link) Minus Adjectives
Raconteur (Offline)
Aspiring Author
 
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 720
Points: 30
Times Thanked: 142
Take a poem you've written and remove most, if not all, of its embellishments/modifiers. Reconstruct it so that it still makes sense, of course. Post the original and the new version. I think this will be an interesting exercise to see the effect and sometimes over-persistence of our adjectives.

For instance, some of the poem loses quality after I remove adjectives... but I do like the end a lot better.

Spoiler:
I ask myself what sweetness is
in its entirety,
in its absolute bareness.

I am picking the seeds from apples,
each one a simple, fat, tear drop.
It has been several days
of sightseeing, of traveling through
first Merzouga, then Fes.

Sweetness must be
the sunrise, the round peach
with burning skin.
Sweetness must be
seeing you, outlined by sand,
after months of waiting.

There is a way in which
the mouth puckers when tasting
nectar;
there is a way the mouth
blossoms when tasting
skin.

Have you heard the story
of the river in the sky?
In Marrakech,
the land dries into small, heavy
burrows.

The sky bursts with thin veins
like halved fruit.


I ask myself what sweetness is
in its entirety,
in its bareness.

I am picking the seeds from apples.
It has been days
of sightseeing, of traveling through
first Merzouga, then Fes.

Sweetness must be
the sunrise, a peach.
Sweetness must be seeing you in sand
after waiting.

There is a way in which
the mouth puckers when tasting
nectar;
there is a way the mouth
blossoms when tasting
skin.

Have you heard the story
of the river in the sky?
In Marrakech,
the land dries into burrows.

The sky bursts with the veins
of halved fruit.
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Old 02-02-2014, 02:20 PM View Post #2 (Link)
Tredyakovsky (Offline)
Idea Scribe
 
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: sheffield/southampton
Posts: 81
Points: 30
Times Thanked: 15
This idea is wonderful, beautiful

Original:

Two hours in the dark.
Cross-legged you are
long-haired dark you are
through the window
which features my
transparent face. I should
be moonlight and not
a human being. You read
anyway, with whatever
falls through your window
You read a book called
"After the Rain."
I think only of you
being ubiquitous. You
read like a person
who falls into something.
You read and I fall
into something, too.
I like to think
you read
in the quiet glow of me.
Gnawing my lips
like some cold
creature, my
transparent face
you don't seem to know
I've swallowed you whole.
I breathe into the library
window and I take you
with me, and I breathe
into Oak's Residential with
you. I whisper into the
walls of every defunct
business, and I bring you
into foster care
and step away
carefully, with a conviction
stronger than whatever
holds together moonbeams.
Some people need you
more than I need you
*
On your hair shine lights *
from a bulb.
* you have no idea
they are trying to
compete
Amended:

Two hours in the dark.
you are
through the window
which features my
face. I should
be moonlight and not
a human being. You read
anyway, with whatever
falls through your window
You read a book called
"After the Rain."
I think only of you.
You read like a person
who falls into something.
You read and I fall
into something, too.
I like to think
you read
in the quiet glow of me.
Gnawing my lips
my face
you don't seem to know
I've swallowed you whole.
I breathe into the library
window and I take you
with me, and I breathe
into Oak's Residential with
you. I bring you
into foster care
and step away
with a conviction
stronger than whatever
holds together moonbeams.
Some people need you
more than I need you
*
On your hair shine lights *
from a bulb.
* you have no idea
they are trying to
compete
I feel like the amended version gives a certain...quietness. Like a face resigned.
  
						Last edited by Tredyakovsky; 02-02-2014 at 02:28 PM.
					
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