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Old 02-03-2018, 07:16 AM View Post #1 (Link) Our week of Freedom- Chapter 2
Rebekah (Offline)
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: UK
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Sorry that it's taken me so long to post this. Please critique it as I want all the feedback I can get. If you want to read and/ or critique Chapter 1, please do. (It might help to read Chapter 1 first, but it's up to you).
I hope you enjoy this Chapter.
Instructions and goodbyes

Before leaving us home alone mum always gives us a briefing of what we can and can’t do while we don’t have ‘parental supervision’. (I keep trying to remind her that we are both 16 and can look after ourselves, but she always ignores me). When I say she always briefs us, I mean always. Even if she is just going to the shop for 20 minutes, it would be the same rules and instructions as if she were going to work for a whole day!
“Megan, Alexandra, get down here now,” mum shouts. Immediately, we both run down the stairs and slide across the kitchen floor to were mum is stood waiting. Mum’s ‘lectures’ always start the same, “girls, listen to me,” that’s the start, “while your father and I are away, I want you to stick to some simple rules,” now for the part that is different. “No more than 4 hours of TV a day; no more than 4 hours of phone time a day; no takeaways; don’t eat too many sweets or too much chocolate....” and she just keeps going on and on and on. (But I’ve left a chunk out to save you from falling asleep with boredom). Then mum’s talk always ends the same, “make sure you stick to all of the normal house rules as well. Remember, if you need anything, call your dad, grandparents, Susan across the road or me.” Now the five minutes of torture is over. ( Also, if you haven’t worked this out already, our mum’s a headmistress).
It’s now dad’s turn to talk to us. Mum has left the kitchen and gone upstairs to finish packing, so dad can give us his talk. His talks are always better than mum’s: they are shorter, never repetitive and always have good news. “So girls,” he stars, “your mum and I are going away, your mum has given you some rules, blah, blah, blah.” Dad has stopped talking and started digging deep in his pocket, and he is pulling out 3 bank notes and handing them to Meg. “ This £50,” he starts up again- this time in a more hushed a secretive tone, “ can buy you anything, takeaways, treats, cinema tickets, anything you want, within reason, obviously. Just remember, don’t keep the receipts!” Placing his first finger over is mouth and shushing, he runs upstairs to help mum.

Finally, after about half an hour of panicked final preparations, our parents are ready to leave. Dad’s dragging the suitcases and bags down the stairs and mum’s checking that they’ve got the passports and directions to the apartment and stuff like that. “Goodbye girls, remember the rules,” mum says while hugging Meg and me tightly.
“Bye kiddos, we’ll miss you,” dad says whilst joining in the family hug.
“See you in a week,” Meg and I both say in unison. Now mum and dad are walking out the door and I think mum might be crying a bit, but they’re heading to the taxi (which is good, because it will take them far away). I’m closing the door and me and my sister share the same excited and mischievous grin. The goodbyes might be over, but the fun is far from done.

Have A Great Day!
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Old 02-04-2018, 03:56 AM View Post #2 (Link) A Couple Suggestions
goodusername (Offline)
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: The United States
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Hi there! I enjoyed your story's opening on the adventure. It brings a sort of relaxing and realistic approach to a host of different mischiefs and mayhems, assuming that's where you're going with your story. However, I felt like it was missing something.
I think your story may need an element of emotion to it. Unfortunately, this vacation seems way too scheduled and scripted. Ask yourself this: "Why are they going to Venice? What are they bringing with them? What measures have they left behind to possibly prevent the girls from creating chaos?" Also, the girls didn't seem very sad at all about their parents leaving, which seems slightly unrealistic. I believe that they would at least be a bit concerned about their father.
Also, to go above and beyond, bring just a little suspense into the picture. End the chapter with a sentence that foreshadows what is to come like: "Who knew in this one simple week we'd manage to get ourselves entangled into a club like that?"
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