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Old 05-25-2015, 04:10 PM View Post #1 (Link) Something, They Say
Shadowed (Offline)
Novice Writer
 
Join Date: May 2015
Location: Hyrule
Posts: 10
Points: 13.4
Times Thanked: 1
He was scared,
say the dusty footprints
traced across the floor, as if he
was forever moving.

They had a child,
says the small, pink dresses
embroidered with
shimmering jewels.

They weren't ready,
says the half-packed suitcases
laying scattered
across the floor.

He had a wife,
says the table in a bedroom
laced with shining necklaces
and bracelets and a ring.

It was sudden,
says the open drawers and
open cabinets,
half empty.

Something wasn't supposed to happen,
says the door,
holding scratches that almost
tell a story.

They had almost made it,
says the dents in the walls,
and the impressions
in the dirt.

The fence was open,
lock undone,
if only they'd
gotten out sooner.

Something went wrong,
they said,
the investigation thorough.

It was dangerous,
says everything overall,
it was something
unavoidable.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

This was edited with assistance from pineappleinshades' critique.
  
						Last edited by Shadowed; 05-28-2015 at 12:35 AM.
					
					 Reason: A critique gave me help!
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Old 05-26-2015, 07:20 PM View Post #2 (Link)
Pineappleinshades (Offline)
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 86
Points: 24
Times Thanked: 9
Mainly I will tell you how I interpret this poem, so that you can see if that is how you want it to be interpreted, and if not, you will need to make it clearer so the reader will see what you want them to see.

He was scared,
says the dusty footprints
traced across the floor, as if he
was forever moving.

By way of a first line 'he was scared' is not particularly interesting or well written. However, I read the next lines and you seem to pull it off. I like the feel of it overall, and it kept me reading. (Because 'footprints' is plural, it would be 'say' not 'says'.)

She was young,
says the small, pink dresses
embroidered with shimmering jewels.

Again, it would be 'say' not 'says'. This is quite interesting, but I got the impression she was very young (with the "small" and the "pink" and "jewels" which seem like quite childish things) but I also see a relationship between the two people mentioned in the first to stanzas. To me, it doesn't seem right that she be a child in a relationship with a man old enough to be married. A relationship that 'almost made it' anyway.

They weren't ready,
says the half-packed suitcases
laying scattered
across the floor.

I like this description, and it gives me a clear image of a break-up.

He had a wife,
says the table in a bedroom
laced with shining necklaces
and bracelets. 

If the girl had jewelled dresses I see no reason why she wouldn't have necklaces and bracelets too. What I mean is, why do the necklaces and bracelets say he has a wife?

It was sudden,
suggests the open drawers and
open cabinets,
half empty.

This is the only one that 'suggests' and doesn't 'say'. I would change it to 'say' for consistancy. However, the repetition of 'open' I don't like, and it would flow just as well if you removed the second one. Yes, open drawers and cabinets do seem to say something happened suddenly, so I like the inage your creating here.

Something wasn't supposed to happen,
says the door,
holding scratches that almost
tell a story.

The first line of this is long and clunky, and I don't think it works very well. It kind of jolted me out of the poem. Either clarify what the 'something' was or just say 'it'. I'd stick with the 'it' because it is more in the same tone as the rest of the poem. I also think you should replace 'holding' with something else, as it doesn't feel quite right. Perhaps 'with its' or 'covered in'.

They had almost made it,
says the dents in the walls,
and the impressions
in the dirt.

Do these say they almost made it? I'd say dents are more signs of some kind of struggle, or is that what your getting at? That there was a struggle and they nearly made it but didn't in the end?

The fence was open,
lock undone,
if only they'd
gotten out sooner.

This doesn't have the same style or structure as the rest of the poem, but it gets your point across.

Something went wrong,
they said.

I just feel unsatisfied with this ending. I mean, it's obvious from the previous stanzas that something went wrong, so I think for that last stanza you need to delve a bit deeper into what actually went wrong.

So, I really like the way you did this. I would never have done something like this myself, but I think you made it work well overall.

The repetition, the constistancy, the clear rhythm all stood out to me in a good way, so I think it fits what you wanted from it.

First of all I got the impression it was just about a relationship between a young girl and an older married man which didn't work out and ended suddenly. Later though, I saw something darker, perhaps it was the 'impressions in the dirt'. This phrase alone suggested something more violent to me.

And then the line in the second to last stanza 'if only they'd gotten out sooner' complicated things further. It gave me the image of a bomb going off maybe, metaphorically or literally, and them not getting out in time. To me, this could mean his wife found out about him and the younger girl. That would also explain the signs of a struggle, and that the break-up was not only sudden but messy and painful.

So overall, I'm not sure what you wanted the reader to see in this. I have told you how I interpretted it, so I hope you can edit it based on that, and that some of what I said was helpful. If you want to talk about it further, or you have any questions about anything I said, please message me. I'd love to chat, and, as I said, I think your poem shows a lot of promise.
  
						Last edited by Pineappleinshades; 05-27-2015 at 07:17 AM.
					
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Old 06-06-2015, 06:04 AM View Post #3 (Link)
lilyandherviolin (Offline)
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Posts: 156
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First off, I loved the rhythm of this poem. It pulled me right in.

He was scared,
say the dusty footprints
traced across the floor, as if he
was forever moving.

They had a child,
say not 'says' the small, pink dresses
embroidered with
shimmering jewels.

They weren't ready,
says the half-packed suitcases
laying scattered
across the floor.

He had a wife,
says the table in the not 'a' bedroom
laced with shining necklaces
and bracelets and a ring. One ring?

It was sudden,
say not 'says' the open drawers and
open cabinets,
half empty.

Something wasn't supposed to happen,
says the door,
holding scratches that almost
tell a story.

They had almost made it, you just used 'almost' - it might be better to pick a different word.
say not 'says' the dents in the walls,
and the impressions
in the dirt.

The fence was open,
lock undone,
if only they'd
gotten out sooner.

Something went wrong,
they said,
the investigation thorough. 'the investigation thorough' or 'the investigation through'? They carry slightly different meanings, so it's up to you as to which one you want to convey.

It was dangerous,
says everything overall,
it was something
unavoidable.

I like this poem very much. I changed a few words for grammatical purposes, but take 'em or leave 'em. Keep up the fabulous work!
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Old 06-06-2015, 08:07 AM View Post #4 (Link)
han123 (Offline)
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Location: Somewhere nice :)
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I've been meaning to critique this for a while so I hope I'm not too late. I'm not going to go through every line in this but instead I'm going to tell you my overall opinions.

Ok so, I enjoyed the personification of the objects but I felt like after a while it didn't really have any benefits to the poem, and I know you may have been trying to keep the rhythm and the stanzas similar to each other but just know that it's ok to break the rythmn sometimes and then return to it.

I do feel as if the very first line was a weak pull for me, but this was because 'scared' is a very common and boring word that I personally think works better when it's not the centre of attention in a line/sentence. I liked that there was a story to this poem but also remember to SHOW, NOT TELL which you can do by using more imagery. I enjoyed some of your ideas because they were short and cut off which made them more mysterious, but I also think that some of them should have been expanded and some of them seemed ever so slightly out of place (could just be my pickiness though), and I didn't get the full story by the end of the poem (not sure if that's what you intended or not).

I felt that the end stanza wasn't as great at the others because of this line in particular: 'says everything overall'. It seemed like you were kind of just giving up on the poem ending without a lot of effort (sorry if I'm wrong), but I think that you could do much better than that.

Overall though, I enjoyed the poem. I'm excited what you can make of it if you fix it up again. If you do, feel free to VM/PM me for a critique because I'd be quite happy to do so.
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						Last edited by han123; 06-06-2015 at 09:07 AM.
					
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